I Inherit My Thoughts From Pluto

Swami, I wanna grow honest

2011-09-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have seen a love that is mesmerizing.

I have seen love that is completely unconditional.

I have seen love that is really really pure.

Pure to the extent that tears roll down the moment i see your eyes.

I wanna get close to you.. i wanna get there.. I wanna get rid of the wax that is in me in getting close to you...

I will put my every effort to be there.. every thought to direct me there... everything in blood water to take me there...

Swami i wanna be there with you.. I wanna be honest to the core.. and i wanna grow honest...

Please Take Me Close To You

2011-08-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

I happened to see someone who enabled my vision to see what I am. I was down with severe intensified stinking colors of thoughts in my mind.

When i saw him i felt like brushing them off from my head. In that process i realized I am zero, i just cannot do anything rather anyone cannot do anything. It's his will and consent.

I sat in front of him, with hands folded clutching the fingers of both my hands supporting my chin on the palm, I cried and cried.

Swami, get me away from this. I know i cannot do anything, only you can... I wanna be with you, feel the feeling of connectivity. I really wanna see what love is, Please Swami, Please... Take me Close To You

I Love you Swami

2011-07-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

You have bestowed the best of world unto me.

You have given me a boon, the devotion to reach you.

You have given me an opportunity to see you with my eyes.

An opportunity to listen to your sweet voice.

An Opportunity to feel your presence.

A thought to make things the way you like...

You have made me the one what I am and made me realize What you want me to.

Thank you swami for putting me on this journey of loving you. I Love you Swami.

I will leave my shirt

2011-06-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

I let it free to sleep in your hands

2011-05-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

Close To You

2011-04-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

The journey is done alone

2011-03-31T11:44:00.000-07:00

The Glue That Binds

2011-02-28T21:44:00.000-08:00

The Glue That Binds

The Liberation of a Dependent

2011-01-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

As you Wish!!!

2010-12-31T05:59:00.001-08:00

Who wants to do it? Shouted my master… some eyes fainted with .. And some brains started thinking… my hand lifted involuntarily.. For the fact that the thought process is tuned to my master's will, so body automatically responded without my intervention. There was one more handed that lifted, in fact he stood up. Master asked him.. "Are you sure?" He was in a thought for a while, and master turned towards me, I stood up and said, "Your will is my order master." Master smiled and said, you know what you are supposed to do? I said "No." He asked "How did you raise your hand then?" I replied, "If you want me to do a task, I am ready for anything"

He laughed this time a little louder, "you know what, this is not like others what you have done before or what I have told before.. I wanted one, who is really efficient and qualifies to do this task, in fact this is one of the prestigious tasks what my almighty asked me to do"

I said, "I am happy if your decision is to give me this opportunity." Master replied, "you have to give me what all I ask for ." "As you like it master" I said. Master replied "Well, I am pleased with your dedication till here, I will let you experience a wonder in this process not just you, in fact every body sitting out here, can actually see what I am seeing and what you are having."

As soon as he said that, I saw a mixture of 5 elements oscillating in a peculiar fashion tied to a needle type of light at the center. This figure was changing every moment, well it is something what I have never even thought of. At my mind there were 3 fluids flowing in circular direction, and spreading through out the body at times, and being normal at times.

There were 6 fire balls that were almost fighting with each other raising flames at times, which was affecting the proportion of the body.

"Shall we start." said my master… I smiled, and one of the fluids was covering my total body I was able to feel the tickle. I bowed to my master and there was a wire of light that was connecting me to my master gave me a feel typically of a quench of thirst.

He said, "give me your body." I bowed again and the five elements disappeared. I was seeing the rest of the elements, and people sitting around me were amazed. I was looking at my self, and felt, what actually is happening, if the body is left, what is remaining, who am i?

"you will get to know." said my master. I looked at him in surprise, he asked give me your traits.. Peace, passion and temper.. As soon as I bowed again, the three water circles were getting dry.

He asked me for the 6 fire balls, "can you give them to me?".. Now I was unable to look at myself, it appears as if everything is there… but I cannot see anything..

Well, my master said "give me your self", I bowed again and said "As you wish!". Everything went blank, it was pin drop silence, and I could feel a deep sense of connectivity with my master, as if there is a wire connecting to me and him and water was gushing through it.

I was finding my self, and I didn't see anything.. Surprised and shocked I was asking," where am I?" when I did this, every body were looking at my master with surprised face, I shouted again, where am I?, this time they were even surprised.

After a moment I realized the voice is coming from my master, rather through my master not actually me. This put to me a amazing moment. My master said , "wait, how are you feeling now? ". When he was talking I was resonating and wetted with vibrations all over. I explained him the same state…

I was feeling eternal peace and rejoicing happiness. Then master said, "this is what I asked for… anyone can experience happiness.. Who wants to do it?"..

Master explained "when you removed your traits the 3 water passages, your human emotions, the 6 fire balls, your body and yourself, not actually removing offering to me, at this state, you are no way different from me and I am no way different from you. "

The way you act and behave will eventually get you to this stage. Aim for this in life and you will be god's own son. He closed his eyes, and the process reversed. He said to me "go and sleep." I nodded my head and turned back.

I not only realized what I can be in my life, but most importantly, the process that let me go to this stage, at any point of time, my mind did not question what master is going to do. Yes this was the key, as I let in, master worked out his plan. I thanked my master for this experience and told to my self the key of progressing in the mastery disciple path, the concept of "As you Wish!!!"

At Your Lotus Feet

2010-11-30T07:51:00.001-08:00

This is why I gave Hurt!!!

2010-10-31T00:44:00.000-07:00

I wanted people to feel the belongingness to me. I wanted to see my kids happy. I let them discover what I invented. I was all smiling even when they called it invention.

They were my kids and i had to care for them. I gave them comforts. I let them enjoy in feeling the association to me.

At first it was so, every thing they drew out out of their life they offered it to me by will, they called it the greatness of our father.

I smiled and said it is your ability and I am happy for it. Though I know it is because of me they did everything still I gave the credit to them. Which dad doesn't want to praise his kids.. I am not exception.

They invented money, I said be careful. They invented liquor, I was worried.. They invented many things which troubled me, yet i was trying to care for them.

Some listened, some did not. By virtue of their actions i had to change the way I operate. From care taker i was forced to a role of Observer. well, Initially i was observer also, instead the actions of my kids portrayed me as care taker, as when you act the way I defined by yourself, I am the care taker.Else you are living at your own will.

Well this will went worse and my kids changed. I don't have emotions neither pain. I started feeling sorry for my kids.

I love them, irrespective of what ever they do, that love undergoes different personifications and takes different forms. As you know, punishing a kid when he does a mistake is also out of love, my love is there for their prosperity... I am unconditional when it comes to anything :)

Some of my kids realized the change, how the way it was and the way it is now. They were not able to connect to me, feel my presence in them.

Though they were longing for me, I could not really help them as the mind was already polluted.

out of that mid state they were not able to see the purity in me. I made a decision, to help these people.

I formulated a human feeling called hurt, that generates pain in mind and loneliness in thoughts.

I formulated it in such a way that they can feel the ultimate support for them in me. Look at me in the distant skies and cry. I designed the so that they get the pollutant inside them out.

I called it repent. Many started going through this experience and it was good work for me to look at all of them and take care of them again.

once we all were sitting and they were talking to me about the way they changed. They were saying the way we could connect to you in sorrow we cannot connect to you while in happiness.

I corrected them, at the starting point you need this to connect to me, but once you connect you don't have anything except me and happiness, for the fact that I am happy love personified.

I want my kids to start the journey of connecting to me. "This is Why I gave Hurt"

The Beat of Life

2010-09-24T00:36:00.001-07:00

From "What I want" To "What You want Me to?"

2010-08-21T00:14:00.000-07:00

A Day With God

2010-07-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

Mom's Cafe; 24 hours open

2010-06-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

Everything Is a Celebration

2010-05-31T00:38:00.000-07:00

I Love You

2010-04-15T06:31:00.001-07:00

How about the rainy clouds in my palm

I move them at my will and make rain bow for you

I cool them at my will and give showers for you..

Flowers in my hand and I make them blossom for you

Let them rain you with the fragrance

Let me take clouds in one and flowers in other and give you fragrance showers

As I see you lifting your hand to adjust your hair, with the half smile on the lips closing your eyes.

Let me go to places in my mind feel the sense of eternal love all along

Let me feel the fact of existence is for such moments.

As my mind says no to come back from that state

Let me dream your hand reaching mine to take me along.

As I open my eyes let me take myself to the crust of heaven and make you the princess

Let me see you as princess and get filled with joyous pomp.

Let me take you to the land of happiness and make you the princess of my thoughts

Wish me with a life of your love and a thought of your possession.

With this let me take myself to a stage where I feel I don’t need anything else.

With all this happening, let me say from the core of my heart “I Love you” .

Your Wish is My Order

2010-04-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

I walk along the lane of sorrow it’s a lane so narrow
I let go all the traffic, all the juggles in the walk
I look at the highway far from site
Channel the energy from every bite, towards that site

I walk and walk and might fell down
At times time will make me look like a clown
People drew happiness from my blood
At times as much as they could

Every hurt was an inspiration Every bite grew the determination
Iron was the analogy for later and air for the former
Iron did grew strong and the air was let gone..

I ran at times as i saw getting near the highway
I ran as if there is no way
Blood oozed at times, unnoticed all the times

As I saw the final steps i raised the speed
Fell down rolling along the floor.yet eyes were there on the goal.

I reached with blooded hands and wounded legs.
The moment i stood up and watched overit was no pain
I thanked the existence for all this

He smiled and said get ready for the next act of mine
With all love and respect I said, "Your wish is my order"

I am Alone

2010-03-31T02:10:00.000-07:00

The Walk of Trust

2010-02-27T06:36:00.000-08:00

Journey For Happiness

2010-01-30T09:48:00.000-08:00

Rainbow; A Happy Bow

2009-12-31T04:57:00.000-08:00

I was carrying lot of mission in my thoughts. "For sure I wanted to change the world", is the thought I was carrying on my smile when I walked to the woods behind my farm house. There is a lake nearby the woods, possessing tranquillity as its attitude. I haven't been there before, but this time something was drawing me towards it. Unknowingly I started walking towards the lake. My dad always used to tell me," It is a natural resting place, whenever you sit on the banks of it, you will feel, that is the best place one can feel of". These words were pouring in my mind and I was walking towards the lake unknowingly.

I reached the lake sat down with one foot down in water wet till little above ankles. The water was little chilled, gave me a fresh feel of breeze. Then started little drizzling and it was really soothe at touch. It was very scenic and as I looked at the sky, I saw a cloud slowly diluting and moving. From them a bunch of sun rays were trying to bisect. Some could some could not. At the juncture I could see multiple colours for a short while. What a sight it was. As the cloud became thinner, the light started creeping in. mixing with the drizzle and cloud vapour, light was giving out seven colours. It was not consistent, varying with the position of cloud and shining at different colours at short intervals.

It was a colour delight and I fell in love. I liked the rainbow for its willingness to form. The colour delight was getting intense, seven colours were dancing. Very soon it took the bow shape and the cloud got thinner. It was as if coloured rays coming out of a silver lining. Golden sun rays added to the beauty, that makes say what a sight! Eyes raised in pomp and vision made merry out of this. In this feast it taught me the secret of success, to hold to your belief that you can be a rainbow irrespective of whatever comes in the middle.

I got up and challenged myself with a year time, to get the rainbow out of me.

"Here you are…” said dad, stopping the car. I woke up and was enthralled at sweet my memories. So strong, I am dreaming about them. Dad said, "Go, watch your Rainbow, I will be waiting at the resort nearby."

I got down the car and was walking towards the lake. I sat down at the same place waiting for my colour delight. I was spot on, nature showed me its wonder and yea this time colour delight was very pleasant. What a sight and what a sigh of inspiration. I just said myself, "Rainbow changed my life... What a transformations I have got in myself..."

I recorded this moment for dreaming during my next visit, and felt like moving. I got up and bowing to the Rainbow said, "Thank you Rainbow; for you a Happy bow"

Life Is A Prayer

2009-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

It was half an hour past midnight. I just returned from town after purchasing fertilizers for my farm. The wind was blowing hard and rain is expected anytime. I had to make mud passages in my field, so that it will not stock rain water. I was contemplating to go or not, rather to trust in god that it will not rain today. I was lacking motivation and hence went to my neighbor; eventually our farms are nearby and asked him, if he can join me to make the passages now. He told me “Nothing will happen, you don’t worry. Rain will not come, go and sleep.” I was temporarily satisfied and reached my house. Something was pricking inside.

Someone inside was telling me you are not doing what you should do. I felt I should respect my inner voice. I gave it an ear. It was telling me finish of the work don’t post pone. Now listening to something like this I decided let’s follow the heart. I told myself, “Whatever happens let me do it, not only for rain, I trust god for this effort of mine too.” I started with a lantern in my hand and was walking towards the farm.

While I was reaching I saw bunch of people sleeping on the side ways, who normally work at farms. I was realizing the value of the job I am doing, I am making food for others. I was feeling more responsible in the act of mine, and as soon as I reached the farm, I started the work. I was done in an hour for my farm, and I wanted to do the passages for my neighbor’s farm also which is thrice that of mine. Once I was done, I walked to amidst of my farm and looked at sky and prayed god, “Oh! Please make sure that it doesn’t rain today, there are many farmers sleeping who did not make passages, for their mistake don’t cost it to hunger of many people. Please.”

I got back home and had a satisfactory sleep. As I got up the next day morning, I realized that there was rain in the early hours, and some of the farms were in a very bad shape. My neighbor came running to me and thanked me for the favor I have done to him. As the crop came to ripe, my farm gave a great yield and I could stock plenty and so was my neighbor.
I walked to my farm again to look at the people whom I saw the night when I was making passages. As I reached to their place, I was hearing people crying for food. I felt like helping them. The people were plenty my stock wasn’t enough. I prayed god “God, please help us to come out of this.” Next day morning my neighbor walked up to me and hand over his total stock to me and said it is yours, you own it and he left. A little surprised I saw god in his actions and helped the people for food. We could manage the situation and with grace of lord we came out of the hunger panic.
As time passed it was ripping time again and almost reaching 9 o’clock in the night my neighbor knocked me and said, can you help me out with the passages, it might rain today. I said fine, as we went to the farm. He told me, I have already completed mine and yours. Tonight let’s do it for all the people who could not do it. I was extremely happy with this and decided to do my part as a being.
We were there for some good 5 hours and were back at home, got up in the morning to realize there was no rain and things are fine. I was extremely happy and so was my neighbor for the people around us. I realized if human being be sincere, God will never dispose human asks. It is the choice you make that let god decide your consequence. If god would have listened to me the first time, my neighbor wouldn’t have realized his duty. Once we give our best the creator will see the rest.

With huge gratitude to God, I told myself about this act,

“Choices are Offerings”
“Consequences are Blessings”

“Life Is A Prayer”

The Best Return Gift

2009-10-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

I was sleeping in the lawn
It was a pleasant dawn
Opened my eyes gently
It was just drizzling, my thoughts sizzling

As I got up and looked at the Sky
Found a mighty rainbow spreading wide
I was amazed and praised god for his creation, praised him for this innovation

All of a sudden I wondered, I am able to feel what all he has created. Than the beauty of nature, was surprised with my ability to see and enjoy it. to express my joyousness with words. Listening to the same and feeling great. At once I felt I am wonder myself.

With these actions I possessed, I felt blessed. I was excited for being alive and for being able to feel all this. I couldn't stop myself in thanking god for making me this way. It was a never asked gift, a real precious gift.

I wanted to justice for this life and for god definitely a favor, after all he is keeping me alive.

For a while I thought what can I give him. Many thoughts passed by nothing worth. The only thing that struck in this process, the best gift to him can only be one. "The way I use his gift", yes the way I live my life. Only this convinced me to be a viable gift for him.

As I thought through
My mind said "Let's do it"
Conscience said "Make it the best return gift."

The Perspective of Reality

2009-09-30T12:20:00.001-07:00

I opened my eyes and felt the presence of the world. I was real thirsty, as if I was dying of thirst. I heard something flowing. I was able to feel the roar. I walked towards the direction of sound and realized a thick black liquid stream.

It was very viscous and hot. I could see it is fuming and very touch would burn my skin. I was thirsty at the same time. I was not sure what to do. I could not find any other source either.

Suddenly someone placed their hand on my shoulder from back and I turned around in surprise. He was a very old man with easily distinguishable dress. He looked as a age old magician with his costume and facial language.

Between my throat prompted it is thirsty and I eagerly asked him if he has got some water. He said, you have river in front of you and you are asking me water, he laughed.

I got a little irritated and told him, ya I can see that, it is thick black liquid flowing, I can't even dare to touch it, you want me to drink it ? The old man said, "Come on, that is plain cool fresh water. The river looks so beautiful and pleasant, go quench your thirst". As he saw me getting confused, he just wagged his hand in front my eyes as if he is wiping something and said, "now look?" I said looks like the fumes are coming down. The river is cooling. He did the same act with the hand and I felt after that, that the river became dilute. It was not viscous.

The old man wagged his hand again and this time it was even more dilute, still the color was black and I could feel the current like water. The old man said one last time and he moved his hand in front my eyes. When I saw the color was getting lighter. He asked me to close my eyes and asked me to really think about myself.

I was in deep tight reflecting on all the actions of mine,. Thoughts choices and consequences… I was getting a little lost and I came back to senses as I felt a tap on my shoulder. The old man asked me to open my eyes. As I did it, the river was with plain water and as exactly the old man described before.

I was in all pleasure and I rushed to grab some water. Once quenched I looked back I couldn't see the the old man. I felt he was trying to show me the real thing, and I was not able to with the perspective mirrors I had. I felt burden free, and realized to experience "The Perspective of reality"...

The Ice Breaker

2009-08-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

Another time I let myself down, every time I do it was for varied reasons, some makes sense, some doesn’t. however I have to bear the pain. I was cursing initially crying the mid way and when ran out of tears started thinking. I sat on the sea shore nearby my house and looking at the horizon. I was lost in thoughts and really in deep reflection, who can make me really successful? Really . The hands under my chin moved towards the respective legs and I found few pebbles to my side. I opened my eyes and I saw something was obstructing my sight, something like a thin layer of Ice. I got the feel as if my answer is behind this obstruction. Not sure why I was feeling. I made all effort to penetrate my sight through it and no help.

When I tried to move to my side and peep through I noticed these pebbles. I took a pebble and through at it. It gave me a slight noise as if something broke. Well this did not clear the site. I started throwing these marbles at the ice, slowly I was seeing some shape behind it. Well I was assuming that it was the answer for my question, I got a little aggressive and started throwing vigorously. After a little time I got real frustrated with my state and with my effort to break the ice, I closed my eyes and shattered the stones at it.

While throwing at it, I was recollecting all the moments where I went low on confidence and felt need for a support to make me successful. I was dazed at the recollection of these moments and threw the stones more fatally. The same old question was floating through my mind, I gave a forceful throw and I couldn’t find another pebble next to me. At once I heard a big noise. I opened my eyes there was a bright aura in front of me. It was difficult to see, but I was making a constant effort. When I made myself ready to see it, the aura became a little dull, it flashed a face in front of me and it vanished. I observed the flash closely, and I was comprehending the features and the face. To my surprise it was my own sketch over there.

I could not really get the meaning of it. I was trying to understand how can I help myself? With a profound thought I realized I need to break the ice between me and myself. To empower me with my own confidence. Once I made this statement for myself, I understood why the aura flashed my face to me. It was trying to tell me I am the one who will decide my destiny where to go and where not to go. What to choose and what not to choose. To succeed or not to succeed.A definite lesson learnt to make the indefinite work my way.

I shouted in fulfillment and shook my body. I found myself lying on the beach, in front of me was the beautiful horizon. I learnt the lesson and left the message, “Thank you Ice breaker” for the horizon.

The Life Line

2009-07-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

I get to see my dad far and few between. He keeps on travelling. That night I was sleeping, I know he was going to be home late in the night. I was thinking of the promise he made when he left for the last tour. I love walking on a railway track nearby my house and I keep on betting with my friends who can walk long and who can walk fast.

Last time my dad left he did not tell me. I was asleep when he made the move. I was dreaming that my dad was holding my hand to make walk along the track. I was smiling with my cheeks going read and all care of mine on my feet and watching which step lands where. I was able to move quick on the track and shouted dad “Look at this”.. with this shout I woke up by my own voice. I found my mom rushing towards me…

I thought, this time I am not going to let me dream this. I know he is going to be back home and I will make sure he fulfills his promise. I slept holding light blue pillow tight, which is my dad’s favorite one.

I got up before the dawn and rushed to his room to wake him up. I asked in hasty, dad let’s go. Dad told me I am tired, I can’t come out for the walk now. I requested him, and told him “Dad whatever you have to do, I will do it for you, but please come for the walk today. I am all eager for this.” with my lovable force he had to get up and we started for the walk.

While we were few yards away from the track, I asked, “How can I walk fast and still steadily on a railway track?”, dad said with a smile “Always watch your step carefully”. I told him with sheer innocence “Dad, every time I look at my foot while walking here I fell down, how can I watch?”, dad was laughing. I was silent, he said, “you need not necessarily see if you need to watch.” I gave him a confused expression. He understood that and said, fine “I will make you have blind folded walk today”, I screamed “No dad no, I am scared with the very thought.” Dad replied “I am at your side, I’ll guide you along, take the support of my hands.” I could see my dream come true, indeed I was really happy and I thought to myself that I will do this blind folded walk at any cost.

We reached the track, and my dad made me stand on the track and asked me to close my eyes. I did. He asked me to stretch my hands for balance and he supported them with this hands standing at my back. It was little chilly out there and I was able to feel the warmth of dad’s hands. I asked dad “Dad what if I fall down ?” dad replied “I know you won’t”. Though that was a childish question the answer my dad gave rose my confidence. Dad said “let’s walk”.

Initially I had little hiccups tilting to right and sometimes to my left. Dad supported me with his hands and was telling me how to walk properly. Meanwhile I said, “Dad I think we need to go a long way”, he smiled. I was talking to him and he was responding sporadically. At times the answer was a pat and sometimes a smile. I got used to it in few minutes. After certain time I was confident walking over the track, probably the warmth of my dad’s hands was what making me feel it. After some time I said, dad shall I open my eyes, there was no response, I asked again still no response. I shouted dad “dad, shall I open my eyes?”, still there was no response. I shouted and shouted and voice went invalid. He was not responding. I was worried and started, crying and shouting. Suddenly I felt left alone, I was left out and with intensely disturbed thought I had to open my eyes and turn back. Thinking of my dad I opened my eyes.

I was on the bed, still able to feel the warmth of my dad’s hands. opposite to me was the photograph my dad and me on the track me walking on the track line, The Life Line.

The Thought Channel...

2009-06-30T12:43:00.000-07:00

A complex wiring of neurons, connected with extreme yet sensitive emotions.

A matter that can hardly bare a eye lid force, yet can generate immense power.

Fuzzy thoughts make the flowers on the thorns garden and a blanket spread on them.

The blanket is me and the rest is quite obvious, my emotional thoughts. I never let any tranquil in any one of my nerve cell, they just keep charged and allow the currents pass through. The emotions used to raise the pulse and mouth used to do the talking to decrease the pulse. I was never sure when to let my emotion out and of course how to let it out. I was struggling for this answer. Many faces I met and many voices I asked, no help. I was down and almighty was the only way to help me. Having this faith, I walked to my sitting room, sat on my dad’s chair with my head resting and shoulders relaxed. I was too tired to observe my surroundings and continued to be in the same state.

Past was spinning as a broken ellipse in a disturbed orbit. It was impossible to think of patience and feel calmness. I just couldn’t stop from closing my eyes tight, holding my fists tight and taking deep breath. I moved back and was on the journey to get over this. My vision went blank and thoughts void.

I saw myself questing for help in pitiful way. Meanwhile, I saw a old man barging in with a bag like thing in his hand. He was trying to give it to me and I was puzzled. To solve my confusion, he said this will help how to tackle emotions. Before I could say anything he said, “Next time you feel anxious, just close your fist and open it, you will find a rock in your hand. Put that in this bag.” I curiously asked , “After that?”. He said, “You will get to know by yourself.” As he moved away from me I was sensing the calmness in thoughts. I roused up in a shock and involuntarily opened my fists. I saw a rock falling down from my hand on the floor. I recollected what the old man said and kept the stone in the bag. The bag was very soft and the presence of rock was clearly visible.

I started doing this action and observed the bag grew more stiff every time I added a rock and so was I. Over a period of time I saw a tap developing at the bottom of bag. At times I thought I will not take the rock out of mine. When I was thinking too hard, the bag developed fumes from itself, looked as if, emotions were melting. I saw this happening at times and was always curious what’s going on inside.

To solve this anxiousness, finally I untapped the bag. A lump of metal flew out into my hand and solidified. My hand didn’t burn, I was surprised. Soon the molten form took a proper shape. It was looking very precious and rich. People saw them at times and found them extraordinary. When they came to know that my emotions are turning like this, they realized how important they were, and I realized, how intense the pain was, that bright the stones were. I reached a stage where the thoughtful emotions found a way to speak for themselves. The sense of satisfaction the shiny lumps made, channelized my emotions.

Having seen the state with and without the bag, I am proud of this thought channel, the right channel.

I am What I am!!

2009-05-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

A thin silver lining along the rectangle border, heavily coated with Zinc on the back, curvatures of flowers on the top and bottom, this is what I am. Most of the people claim that I beautify them, of course when they look into me. Well coming to personification from vagueness I am a mirror. I take pride of my silver lining and the characteristics what people like in me.

But I could never get a chance to see myself. I was always with a curious mind to know what really is there in the shiny glass material of mine, what do I constitute how do I look like, what color I bore. Well, many efforts were in vain to look at myself and almost to managed to save a break midway through my body, only realizing that I needed help of a thing like me to tell me how am I.

I started moving away and reached a place where I found many mirrors around. I started mingling with them to get my real self. I went close to a mirror and started looking at it. I was seeing something in green color, with streaks of blackish brown. I was staring at it and I observed the color changed after sometime me being the same. This gave me a confusion, I could not make out whether this is how I am or these are the characteristics of the other mirror. I did a similar exercise with few others, got really randomized and tried.

I came to a corner closed my eyes and was just skeptical to see anything else. I was seeing dark black and nothing else. Well for a moment I felt this is the best part of mine, at least I am consistent with this, I am always black to myself. After sometime I heard a voice saying, Open your eyes I will let you know what you are. I was very skeptical, I just don’t want to hurt myself again and see this darkness. I replied, I am sorry I have already lost most of the interest. The voice replied, “you are saying you have some interest left, great! Let me help you then.” I was dazed with this line, in fact it was totally different meaning of the same words what I uttered with some other meaning.

I thought I’ll put forward my concern, I stated my experiences and I said I can’t trust you. what if you move away in the middle. What if you change your colors? I will get confused again. The voice replied, “Listen, neither I will move, nor I have any color by myself. So there is no reason you should fear. I promise you to let you get what you are thriving for.”

I opened my eyes, and I was gazing at the mirror in front of me. I was in pale yellow color, with some shades of bluish green, I felt wow, I am really beautiful. I was really happy to see my true self. After a while I thought is this really true? At the same moment the color started changing. I shouted “See the color is changing, you promised me you will not change.” The voice replied, “It’s not me, it’s you who is changing”.

“oh! This thinking reflects the color is it.” I realized how my thoughts align to myself, how will one change with his thoughts. I started being consistent with my thoughts and so was the color. After sometime I saw the colors getting more brighter and beautiful. Before even I asked anything, the voice said, “If you improve yourself you look more beautiful.” These lines did some magic on me. I came out of the perception that I am not defined already, I need to define myself and build my own colors. The moment I said this my color was going light and I was turning transparent. I could feel the piousness I was seeing in the transparency and yes in the process of building a true self, one will turn virtuous, I mean transparent. Once I reached this stage, I never had question on myself. I always knew “I am what I am”

Marbles That Matter

2009-04-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

I am a green colored marble, with crest of transverse wave inscribed, with a thin band of white and green mix. I am very smooth externally and if looked in you can see spread out spangles inside me. I exist with many other marbles around me and we keep moving along the time line.

Few people look at me and say, this is like universe, and some others say this is all crap. Though initially I was confused with these kind of mixed feelings, time taught me to believe in myself and started believing that I am universe for a few.

At times I feel alone, last time when I felt I moved towards another marble to my side. It was a pale yellow one with a golden streak in it. Light was falling on me and the other marble was reacting to it. I started getting warmth from the light, the other marble moved itself to decrease the intensity of heat on me. It was soothing and I was feeling pleasant. I was about to get more close to the marble, someone poured us into a big jar.

I missed it, in fact missed it forever. When I saw the marbles around me, some were looking at me so differently, as if I am nothing and some were not even minding my presence. It was a hard scene to take on and as it was jar I could not move away easily. I tried my level best, I just couldn’t do anything about it. There was light on me many a times and I had to manage the heat by myself. It was a lonely scene and yet I had no water to get out as tears, as the heat was high and my surrounding marbles hated wetness.

Well I started being for myself and making myself ready for a marble who will look again the universe in me. Over a period of time few of the marbles left me and some came closer; the jar was moved.

It was easy with the new marbles for me to see the stars in them and understand their spangles. Slowly the count of marbles seeing universe in me increased. Few were ones what I like and few were the ones who liked me. When I moved towards what I liked I stretched the vision of the one’s I liked. Well I almost damaged myself when I was longing for some marbles and some marbles had a similar fate with me. It was a state of confusion again and well I was not sure how to clear this…

Then there was a shuffle in the jar and it scattered each and every marble and I was no exception. But I wanted this shuffle to be the last one and wanted to attain stability. This time when I was moving I chose the marbles, I did even chose when I was leaving some. It was a quest to find the marbles which matter to my movement. Well this shuffle came in the right time and the heat I borne before made my choosing easier.

This exercise made my life simple. Spangles were shining more and universe was even more beautiful. Now when someone peeps through me, I relish to show the universe I posses in myself and the changes marbles made to it. Well to be even more specific the changes made by the “Marbles That Matter”

“The Essential Quest”

2009-03-31T02:07:00.000-07:00

“Wish I had someone for me.” Yet again time made me say this line. Though I don’t want to I end up saying this almost every time. Well I do want someone in my life who will never let me say this line.

I was walking back home with my head down, looking at the pebbles on the road. I heard someone shouting “watch out”, and next moment a vehicle crashed into me.

I don’t know what happened, but when I opened my eyes I was standing in front of a scenic landscape. To my right I found a person, whom portrayed as if he was waiting for me. I approached him and asked him, “Are you waiting for me ?” he said “Of course yes, you are the one who wanted to meet me, to solve your concern”

I was confused “I wanted? When did I, well instead of saying this, I was curious about the concern of mine he mentioned, I was eager to know what was that. ” I asked him “Which one you were referring to”, instantly replied with a smile on his face “your quest for someone”. I was not sure whether I was curious about it before or not but now, I was all anxious about it. I said “yes yes, I want to know”.

He told me “you are seeing this hill right, start running from here, by the time you reach the other side of the hill, you will know the someone.” He was still saying something I did not pay attention and no sooner I started running.

It was on soft meadows I was running with my shoe on. The way was really beautiful and I was not feeling the strain of running. I ran really hard but haven’t seen anyone till now. I felt for a while “What’s happening? I am not able to understand”. There was black color stone thrown on my face and it broke my nose. I was bleeding like hell and fell down on the floor. I was crying and seeking help. The same person appeared in front of me, I shouted at him “What is this ?”. He said “ you did not listen to me completely, I was about to tell you what’s all going to happen in this journey. You did not listen”.

I was scolding myself for this and requested him to tell me now. He said ”In this journey you will see many shelters. Your journey will complete if you reach any shelter throughout the journey. What will stop you from reaching them is these stones. Black and red stones will be thrown at you the moment you start seeing a shelter. Already you are hit by one, so if two more blacks finds your face your quest will be as it is forever. If you manage to reach anyone of the shelter your quest will end there.”

“I was surprised with the complexity here, honestly I was worried will I be able to reach anyone? I asked him”, is there any help I can get ? “He replied, yeah I will give you a word of wisdom every time you want for 3 times. You have to take one now, as I will not make my presence otherwise.” I was convinced and felt bad about my mistake. I asked him for the first word of wisdom. He replied “Never presuppose future without knowing present”. I got the message and I started running. The path was getting rocky and my shoe were torn off being old ones. I was running bare foot.

For the first time in this journey I saw a shelter, beautiful covered with golden color grass and I started proceeding towards it. I was able to smell a sweet odor as I proceeded towards this. I saw a red stone coming by and it did hit me. I took the pain as I felt the shelter is worth it. I took similar blows for 3 times and hurt myself enough. Ultimately I saw the shelter nearby and when about to reach I felt as If a bit away. I was surprised but there was no option left other than this. I just closed my eyes for a while and there was a black stone thrown at my face and this time it was a nasty blow. I was bleeding when I say myself and I was in tears. Perhaps when I looked at my foot, I saw sours on them, as I was running bare foot and the season was summer. I was hurt very badly and there was no option to call the other guy for the word of wisdom. He told me, ”Never be in haste”. I again started running and found another shelter almost at the top of the hill.

I was worried if the same thing is going to happen again, yet I started running towards it. The road turned stony and the climate hot. It was as if I was running on a hot pan with bear foot. Blood started oozing out of my feet and I did not stop running. I was exhausted the by the time I saw the shelter 20 ft away. I have taken few plunged towards and to my dismay the shelter disappeared. I was lost and a red stone was thrown at my face leaving a scar on the fore head. I was upset and almost at the stage of giving up, I was feeling as if I have lost in my life demeaned its purpose. Then I realized I have my last chance of word of wisdom. The moment I thought about it, he said, “The next shelter you find will be the end for your quest. ”

Well, I did not believe it blindly this time, I gave a thought to myself and said, I will give the best of mine for this. I recollected the first words he said. “by the time you reach the other side, you will know the someone”. I was focused this time. I was just looking at the way trusting that rest will follow. I saw ups and downs along the way and few luring shelters trying to distract what I have thought. I did slow down a bit but I became conscious the very next moment. I was clear what I want to do, reach the other end of the hill. There were few stones thrown at me but I managed to escape them.

I went down the hill I was able to see the road ending.. I was nearing what I want to. I saw a shelter to my right this time.. I did not stop as I wanted to complete the run. Surprisingly the shelter moved along with me and was at my right always.. I closed my eyes and started running.

I felt I reached the end of the road and I did. I had a deep sense of accomplishment. Though I didn’t get anything till now, it was a sense of possessing something that was making me happy. I was very light at my heart and thoughts and was feeling every moment precious. No wound did pain me now and no scar is burning. I was all happy to be there. As I observed my surroundings I found myself in front of “the” shelter. I walked in feeling fatigue and fell down on the bed over there.

I felt the warmth of a palm on my forehead and opened my eyes. It was her. As I opened my eyes, she said “Get well soon, I am waiting for you…”

The White strand

2009-02-28T05:31:00.001-08:00

I have been walking since an hour, and as I saw the time, I felt tired. I saw a bench nearby and dropped on it for some rest. I stretched my arms, extended my neck on the bench and closed my eyes. It was twilight time and wind was flowing. It was getting cooler and I was able to feel it with the gales passing by. I was going semiconscious. I know I was about to dream…

I saw couple of hands one of a girl and other of a guy holding a white strand. They were holding it tight as if a tap on the thread will break it. It appeared as if in my dream I was watching this sitting to a side. Someone asked me to give a analogy for the scenario. The impromptu was love or a emotional relation.

I continued to narrate... When both the hands are in perfect sync, the relation is going on well, as I said a tap on it can break it, the hands need to be careful as a tap comes closer. Sometimes the right hand tries to pull the thread towards it and sometimes the other. The thread doesn’t seem comfortable when either of the hands do that.. so as a relation does when one tries to influence.

There were colors sprinkled on the thread and the thread started taking the color of it. One hand tried to move away the thread the other did not.. the other hand panicked and so does the thread and so a relation.

Suddenly the guy’s hand started moving closer, the other hand was just still. The thread was relaxed and felt it can take any stretch. It appeared as if the moving hand waited for the other hand to react, as there was no response it moved back. Wish the hand had a mouth to tell the other. The hand went back to its previous position increasing the tension.

There were colors sprinkled again this time both the hands managed to have a minimum impact on the white color of the thread.

This time the girl’s hand moved closer and it saw the same fate as the guy’s hand. I felt the hands were upset and started pulling the thread towards their direction. One stage it appeared as if the thread will break, I recollected when people tried to pull the relation thread towards themselves and the thread broke.

I was worried the thread might break, but the hands started coming closer and the strand was relaxing. The hands almost came to a stage where they were touching each other. Forget about the thread the hands were not going to leave each other.

This time when the color was sprinkled, it almost had no impact on the thread. The hands realized the relation is as delicate as thread and it’s color is it’s quality. Looked as if the hands were sure what they want to do, maintain the color of the thread and leave it tension free.

The person who asked me to narrate this started clapping…. And I got up. I learnt the lesson for myself, this dream taught me a new attitude, I couldn’t stop running to her, thanking the bench and saying “Bye for now!”

"You Can Do It"

2009-01-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

The last blow I had on my face was almost near the chin. It was a huge one, shaking my lower jaw and made two of my tooth to displace. As I fell down holding the boundary rope of the boxing ring, I was recollecting what everyone told me when I fell down last time in a similar way. I lost to the same opponent and yet again I could not fulfill my dream. I remember my dad head going down and my coach closing his eyes at the same moment last time. I could not bear my failure. This resulted in intense fatigue and I went unconscious.

As I got up, I see my wall clock striking 4:00 AM. With my Hoodie on I walked towards my practice vicinity. My dad wanted to see me as a great boxer in his every dream. I was reasonably successful getting to the top but always tumbled when it was the moment I should perform. I don’t know the reason to myself. Preoccupied with all these notions, I sat near the well, with the chin resting on my thumbs and fore head on the pointing fingers. I was distressed.

Thomas was always my dear friend, when I lost the match last time, he tried convincing me that I lost not out of my ability but out of some practical things what the other guy has. The other guy was James, a rich kid and very hard working person. Thomas and my dad always consoled me saying you should not worry for thing you can’t get, per say a sophisticated boxing gear, attending foreign training sessions.

I know I was not totally convinced with whatever they said, yet took the base on them to come out of it. Yet again I landed in the same situation. I am sure they both are going to tell me the same thing again. There was extreme silence in my mind, was telling I lost. All of a sudden I feel the warmth of a hand on my head, it was my coach Phillip. He sat beside with his hand over my shoulder. Perhaps, I was waiting for a such a moment to burst and I did. Phillip and I had put in lot of effort and yet we could not see the result. Controlling my tears, when I was about to make some words, Phillip started speaking.

“Rob, I got your problem this time. Last time when you lost I thought you have to improve your technique and you need more efficient training equipment to perform well. I was partially right then and now I think I am totally. The problem is not with what you are doing, it is with how you are doing.”

I replied, “Phillip, you are making me think…” I gave a niche in my breath and continued, ”Honestly, even before the start of the match I lost to James, if I think back I just get this to my mind. I felt the aura he has around him is making him win, and I am lacking it.”

Phillip replied, “My guess was right, as always why don’t we talk with a story… both of us believe in relative learning’s right ?”he said with a smile.

Phillip started speaking, “Once there was a balloon seller, he was selling balloons in front of a school. Kids normally come out after their school time and make this guy’s business. One kid was sitting at a bit away and was observing the balloons carefully. The balloon seller looking at this guy, missed a balloon from his hand, and the balloon started flying. He had no option to just leave it. suddenly the kid got up and went near the balloon seller and asked him, “Uncle, can this blue balloon fly like the red balloon which just flew ?” The balloon seller smiled and replied, “My dear, it’s not the color that matters, it is the matter in that that matters”.” Phillip stopped, he gave me few moments to think. In fact as I see myself, I am getting the essence of the story. He observed my body language I think and said “”yes that’s the way you need to take it..believe in yourself and trust your abilities, they will take you to places.”

He continued, ”When you get this concept right and do the right thing, then you are the person to be successful, in fact in your achievement you define success; This total theory leads and refers to self confidence.. and that is the key…”. Surely I was convinced.

He continued narrating, “Further more, it is really important to make best use of what you have. With that everything else will fall in place." I will tell you a story, make the best sense out of it you can.

"Once a traveler was on his journey across hill stations on his car. In the course of travelling there was some malfunctioning in the car and the car stopped as if something is not letting it move. Though this guy verified that everything is fine, he was not sure why the car was not moving. He asked the help of a stone breaker who was walking nearby. The guy looked at the car, observed it and said, “I will make your car run, but I will charge.” The tourist asked what will you use, you don’t have any instruments. The stone breaker showed his hammer. After thinking for a while the tourist had to agree for whatever cost the stone breaker charges to repair the car having believed that, he will use a hammer to repair the car. The stone breaker choose a spot on the car and gave a big blow with his hammer and said, it will work fine now; surprisingly it was running; The tourist said how much I need to pay you now, the guy replied 100 bucks. Tourist was surprised, 100 bucks for a single hammer shot ?, the stone breaker replied “No Sir, 5 bucks for the hammer shot and 95 bucks for choosing the place to give the shot. ”

After saying this line Phillip got up and said, I will leave the interpretation to you, and what everyone wants is, you coming out with flying colors. Think about the story and make your mind. Before it’s too sunny hit the bed and take rest. Phillips left. As I was thinking about the story, though I felt repairing a car with a hammer shot doesn't seem practical, I was inspired by the confidence of the stone breaker. He made the best use of whatever he had and raised his ability to do the magic. In fact, the ask from Phillip for me was to have the confidence what stone breaker had.

I got up pulled my Hoodie cap on to my head and with hands in the pocket, started walking towards my bed room. My father’s bed is adjacent to me always, he has big poster of mine stick in front of it, me giving a powerful punch being the pose. I looked at my father, and I told him through my heart, “I will do it”, turned towards my poster and with a marker I wrote on it, “You can do it…”

“It can be yourself !!!”

2008-12-31T07:54:00.000-08:00

The last day of the year, heavy snow at my place this season. Today it was even more, people were hardly visible on the sidewalks when I peeped through the window clearing the fog on it. I pulled my leather coat out what John and Tina gifted me when they flew to NewZeland. I wore the shoes, which was my dad’s last gift for me. Had the cap on, this was from my mom on my last birthday. I came out of my room and started walking on the street.

I was heading to the church nearby. As I see my feet creating foot marks on the snow, was recollecting the mistake I made in the morning. Again I got tensed, I was feeling guilty for my mistake. To come over that I started running and reached the church steps. I plunged on to them the third one went wrong and I almost hurt my fore head managed to be ok somehow. I opened the church door, perhaps was feeling eternal peace at the very first sight. A bunch of candles lit in front of Jesus and father sitting to a side and was reading the prayer aloud. I walked towards the confession box, removed my shoes, took off my coat and cap. I was down on my knees and I started weeping. Father was silent till the time I got to a tranquil state and asked me what happened.

I started telling him the mistake I did at today’s dawn. I was frustrated with my life, things happening in my life and walked to soccer fields where I normally play for a change in air. I was sitting at the parking lot and kids were playing there though it was very cold. I was preoccupied until I observed the soccer ball coming towards me. I am not sure what was in my mind and I gave a hard kick on that. That went and hit a kid on his head, he was badly hurt. He started bleeding from his nose and it took 4 hours for him to be normal after taking to the hospital.” I paused for a while and shouted “I don’t know why I do like this Father. I lose my control.”

Father asked me, “Is this the first time you are observing like this or ?”, “No, Father last week I was smoking while I was driving, and I threw the cigarette out in annoyance again, it fell into the adjacent car and did hurt the person who was sitting in that. My mom always told me never to smoke while I was driving. But that day I don’t know, you know what Father, many a times I end up doing something unpleasant for others . I was never like this before, but since some time, I am not sure what’s going on“

Father replied “Relax my son, frustration is often a vicious circle which kills human’s sense. But why were you getting frustrated, and as you say, you were not always like this, you were never anxious before ?”

“I am upset with things happening around me, or sometimes and I am upset with myself. I don’t know why I go against my will to do some stuff.. later to doing that it hurts and hence…” I gave a recess as I was not able to talk. All the moments where I have been like this were passing through mind. I was feeling literal havoc, and I leaned forward seeking support for my forehead on to the wooden plank over there.

Father would have felt the silence and said “You still didn’t answer my question, you said you were never like this before, you were never anxious prior to these incidents ?”

I answered “Yes I did, but that did not result in anything like this, ” father asked “What might have changed ?”, I said “Might be the people around me, John and Tina left. They were my biggest assets for life, as they left I was alone. Further blow was my dad. I think I am not having one to listen to me or on whom I can take my frustration off.”

I continued saying” At times I manage myself well, but for certain things I don’t know, probably I am used to depend on people. I used to follow their suggestions and get back to normal state but now I am in a helpless state”

Father said” you nailed your problem for yourself. So why can’t you do something about it ?” I had no answer for that and had to seek help from him; yeah I had to.

Father said “It is normal for a person to get anxious and irritated with certain things what he doesn’t like. This anxiousness will not let your brain work and demands some external help to get rid of it. By god’s grace you had people in your life who helped you to come out of it. As a universal truth you can’t be sure of someone’s presence always and you concede to frustration in their absence. So you have to find one who will always be with you and help you come out of it.”

I asked him ”Will it not be the same case again ? what if that person also leaves..”

Father replied “If I am not complicating it can be yourself, as you are the best person to know what is wrong with you…and you will never leave yourself”

This one liner made me raise my forehead and my eyes to hoist. I was in deep thinking and was making myself to accept what the father said, as it made sense.

I think he moved from his chair and walked inside as I heard no voice after that. I got up, took my belongings and when about to leave the church, turned back to say a big thank you to Jesus, for the change brought in myself.

When I ran down the steps this time I was all active and opened my dairy to write the conversation with the father. After thinking for a while, I just wrote a line and slept, “It can be yourself!!!”

It’s not for what you have done.....

2008-11-22T10:22:00.000-08:00

I was dead when she said those words. My ears couldn’t bear the pain they carried and mind the meaning. She said “It’s over.” I had no words coming out, just turned back and walking with all the past moments flying in my eyes. I was dragging myself and was holding my eyes hard so that the tears will not come out. I needed someone to standby perhaps, the one I thought told me this. I walked back home, pushed the door saw my mom waiting for me. It was quite late in the night and yet she was still up.

She has been a patient listener whenever I was a impatient speaker. She bared my frustration many a times. Looking at her my eyes broke and I started crying. No sooner I was in her arms and tears were running. She made me sit on the floor and was trying to console me. I slept on the floor with head on my mother’s lap and I was still weeping. She placed her hand on my fore head and asked “”What happened dear? I have never seen you like this..”

I replied “I lost in my life, what all I thought was mine doesn’t belong to me anymore. I am a big time loser, I lost what all was I”.. I couldn’t speak more as tears became intense. My mom was still patient and she was just letting me cry, she wanted me to be relieved from the pain I am having, I think.

I started talking again “You know what mom, the one person whom I thought was for me, asked me to leave out of her life. She told me she can’t like me anymore. I couldn’t even ask her the reason, as the very word killed me.” My mom, I think understood what happened now. She started telling me how people should handle these kind of things, how you need to come out of it and start doing what you are meant to do. Those words definitely made sense, reduced the intensity of tears; but still one thing was in my mind. “What I have done in my past, so that I am facing this now, why I eventually ended up breaking up a relation which I thought was my life.”

I asked my mom the same question with sheer innocence . She smiled and said “You are asking like a kid.. don’t you feel so ?” I said “Yes mom, but what did I do, of which I broke my relation and putting my mind for a change ?”

She patiently replied "My dear, I will tell you a story which will let you understand how to perceive what has happened with you. Once a king went for hunting and got lost in the forest. He happened to find himself a sage’s place to stay overnight. The next morning he got up he was ill. Sage asked him to take rest till he recovers. King thanked the sage and stayed back. Sage went to the backyard and searched for a herb he planted couple of days before. looking at it he said, "Yes, I can use this tomorrow for medication.”

The herb listened this. It was seriously worried. The reason was that, the herb was planted couple of days back, and near to that there was a pebble. When there was rain the day the herb was planted the pebble protected it from getting eroded. The herb developed a attachment to the pebble. As herbs grow fast they tend to stand straight indicating their growth. Poor herb wanted to be close to the pebble and started bending towards the pebble. It was this bend what the sage looked at and said, yes I can use this for medication tomorrow. The herb couldn’t be of much help and same was the case with pebble. Finally next morning sage came to the back yard and tried to pluck the herb. The pebble tried to stop the effort but in vain. Sage took the herb, Made the pebble to close the next herb and proceeded for medication. King was cured and he proceeded with his journey thanking the sage""

My mom looked at me now, and asked me for the conclusion I got from what she said, I replied “It was not definitely the story of king and sage it is the story of herb and pebble. You were referring to the purpose what the herb and the pebble were meant to do”.

Mom replied with a smile and said “Yes, It’s about focusing on the purpose of your life. The herb that was separated from the pebble cured a king, the pebble was supposed to protect herbs from getting eroded. They are meant for that for their life.”. These words did work on me and I developed sense out of the story. She looked at me persuasively and said “My Dear, remember one thing, when time makes you come out of something, it’s not for what you have done, it’s for what you have to do.”

My Review With God

2008-10-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

I believe in instincts. I trust the words said to me by myself about things happening. In this term of living life almost all the times the words said have been true.

That evening was no different.

I got up in the morning and was making my mind ready to accept what all the sun light shows me today. I was eager to go to sleep again, I think I was tired. I went along with the regular activities, after sometime I realized I was not totally in. I was preoccupied. I sat for a while and observed my thoughts. This time the instinct spoke hard. I was being told "Today is your last day". I was quite disturbed with those words and was skeptical about them. as the clock rolled for a while, I had to believe in it as the instinct was growing strong.

I said my mom, I will be back in a while and I walked out of the house. I was recollecting all the moments in my life which I don't want to forget permanently after today.

I was walking in deep thoughts and took lot of time for myself. I sat under the tree thinking about the times I am going to miss. I had long walk alone on the bank of river, thinking of people I am going to lose.

Amidst of this, there was a interesting thought, being knowing that today is my last day, why I am sad? I made up my mind and started recollecting the precious moments of my life and wondering where will I go this night, after I breath my last.

Soon I was a kid at heart. I was running on the wall along my house compound wall looking at sky. I was tired enough and was back home. My mom was waiting for me. I gave her a deep hug and moved towards my bed.

With eyes looking at the roof I had different people, thoughts and memories moving on the roof. It increased the weight and I closed my eyes, perhaps for the last time...

I remember few inhales and exhales after my eye lids rested that evening. The last that went out made my body cool. I know I was done for life. I (My soul) was out and staring at the body lying on the bed.

I was able to feel all this and I looked at myself. I was still having a formation similar to my body but had my feet very close to each other. I was wondering what will happen next. I happened to see an entrance in front of me with nil light along its way. The moment I entered that, I flew with tremendous speed. I thought I will die, how stupid.

After doing that journey for a while I made myself in front of dark brown gate, which was inscribed in some ancient literature, while I was trying to understand what's that, the door opened and a force dragged me furiously. literally I flew and fell on the bank of a river.

I was clueless of what's happening. I heard a voice asking me to get on to a plank nearby, and involuntarily I did that. The plank started moving by itself across the river. while I was in the middle, I saw a old man fighting with water currents. I thought, I wish I could help him. Surprisingly the plank moved towards him, I dragged him on to the plank. He went unconscious once he got on to the plank. To my surprise the plank was not able to bear the weight and was developing cracks. without any other thought I jumped into water. The next second I found myself on the other bank of the river, no sight of the plank nor the Old man.

The voice that directed me previously sounded again. walk towards your left and you will see a golden hall. walk up the stairs and you have a mirror chamber. Be seated there.

I shouted who are you, where are you taking me ? The response was a smile and nothing else. I did follow the steps, not sure exactly why and got seated in the mirror chamber. It was round table I was sitting in front of, and there was another chair empty as if waiting for someone. Well with all the doubts, I was trying to recollect what all happened to me in this journey.

Suddenly I found the Mirrors coming closer to me and a white dressed human shape walking towards me. at first I observed it is walking exactly like me. As it approached near, the mirror movement stopped. as the body was coming nearer I was feeling very calm and peaceful. I was sensing my mind getting relaxed. It sat in front of me and even then I could not look at it clearly. the shape was very vague.

In curiousness I asked who are you, I could hear a smile. when I was about to ask the same question again, I heard an answer, don't you know that I am the one whom you are supposed to meet when you become free from your body... I felt the question as complicated, and I just thought for a while, and yes this time it struck, it was the almighty.

He said, Yes I am, I was shocked, how come he understood what I thought ;-). Next moment I laughed at myself, saying he is almighty.

He asked me about my journey and all. when I was answering he took a bunch of papers and was arranging them. I was curious and asked, "What are these papers ?"

With a smile he replied "Your Commitments for Life"...I was surprised, and said I never made them, he replied, "I did them for you, like I do for everyone". I was surprised and asked, you never told me about them then, he replied "knowing your commitments is one of the commitments in your life."

I said "Oh my god!" and he said "Yes". Can I have a look at them, I requested him. he said sure, I took the papers into my hand and was shell shocked. Each moment of my life was clearly tracked to a great level of detail. The smallest to smallest things I did like, footing a stone on the road while walking, to the major things like liking someone.

In exclamation I said, this level of detail and the answer was again a smile. He asked me can we start ? I could not follow and I said "I am sorry, what?". God replied "My dear, let's start the review; we will talk about your accomplishments first".

He started commenting about the way I took care of my character, my responsibilities, my mom..I was feeling very happy. soon he is done with this list and started the mistakes in my life.

He asked me “Why you did not help one of your friend when he was in need, and you were in a position to help.” I replied I could not trust his necessity. He replied, because of that your friend lost a great future. Hearing to that, I felt bad and in a way guilty too. he narrated similar instances all along and was asking me reasons for my behavior. I was honest at giving answers to him.

As I started being pure the face of God was getting clearer. I could see the hair style and the way he nods his head. Again I was comparing to me.

We continued the discussion, and he asked me about a relation I broke. I replied him saying I felt that was the right thing to do, as I was making the other person uncomfortable with my behavior. God questioned why didn't you think of changing your attitude then, I said, I did not want to as it is not worth.

God replied "Not worth!! If you changed at that time perhaps that was the best life you could have had". I did not feel bad but conveyed that, I was happy with the way my life went till now and no complains.

I saw a different sigh in the way he accepted this answer, I felt he was convinced.

The face was getting more clearer, I could see his hands and fingers very clearly. I think he was trying to imitate me with the hand actions. I found them very similar.

In the same way we talked about various other situations and in the flow we came to the old man I saw some time ago.

god asked me why did you jump into water, I replied I know the value of life and I was sure I can save myself.

God laughed and told me you already left your body, what will you save now..I had no words, he gave a smile to that.

I was seeing his face and I thought he was trying to play around with me, his face was resembling me. being almighty he can do anything.

He said, I am done with all the things I need to ask you and am happy with your explanation. If you have any questions we will talk else, your next life will get started eventually.

I said, "I have one question, since you made the list of things I need to do in my life, I am evaluated against those. but no one writes commitments for you. why do you do all this, whom you have to answer ? whom are you accountable to ?"

I was very pure in asking this question, reason being if I live with god as a belief in mind what makes god be like that.

I think god observed this purity and gave a soothing smile. He said "I am accountable to myself".

Thoughts revamped. I was moved to core. I just thought how better my life could have been if I am accountable to myself. I felt I could have really made most of my life in this way. I could feel the purity in my senses and actions. While I am in this thoughts, he got up and started walking back. The mirrors were about to move back and I peeped on to my side.

I wanted to see god's face, when I saw that I was shocked! It was mine...

Soon he disappeared and there was a sudden flash of light and everything disappeared. Since it was sudden light, my eyes wore tears and I opened my eyes...

I was on the bed....got up with deep astonishment. I was amazed at this experience and I touched my eyes casually... They were wet!!!

Self Leaved to Self Esteemed

2008-09-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

With head down, I was walking along the road, trying to count the dried leaves in front of my eyes. There was gale passing, my head was moving along with the leaves.

One leaf went a bit more far, my mind went lazy to follow that. I was walking in deep distress and as if the legs were not mine. I felt I had no control on them and they are just walking at their wish.

Hands were moving involuntarily, I am not sure what my eyes were searching for.

Thoughts were scattered and the direction was unknown.

Instincts were buried and I felt insane.

My body felt as if a package of bones put together with sheer coincidence.

I felt cheated by my own self, saying that I have full control on myself.

Grey matter was of void use and deep silence was present, yet mind was not noticing it.

I was trying to think why my state is so and my brain was not responding.

I felt as if self leaved..

I heard some sounds surprisingly, the leaves being crushed under my foot. I felt I was disturbing the silence around..

Some voice inside asked me what happened.. why are you so ?

Realized it as my “self” I replied, you guys cheated me, I trusted you all..

The voice gave a soothing apology said, am not sure why are you like this..

I cut short the voice and said, look at my stage now, I have no control on myself, I don’t know what I am doing.. you guys never work as per my wish.I went on and on, and by is time I developed cough in my throat.

I was getting all the anguish that was sleeping in my thoughts and bombarding the listening voice with it. I know am shouting for my life, yes, I am shouting for the lost life...

The voice tried to interrupt me but i gave it no chance.
I continued saying, you never even have a glance to look at what all I am going through, what's happening in and out of mine, you behave as if you are not for me, but of someone else.

I feel am lost, this word lost struck my heart heavy and I increased my pitch. I couldn't talk further, I was in intense cough.

This cough unnoticingly gave the voice time; It replied, you are in a misconception, see even now I am telling you, you are talking so fast, you need water and your throat is dry..

These words made me go silent, I could not get another word,

Meanwhile the inner voice continued saying..

I never left you I was always there, it was because of me you were able to hear the sound of the crushed leaves..

I was always here, it was you who was on and off always..

Sometimes you thought I was very beautiful and sometimes otherwise..

Your thoughts changed, where as everything was the same in me.

I was confused and asked “Who are you ?” it replied I am yourself.. your “self”..

These words were catalyst in invoking my thought process, I could feel the pulse running and thoughts provoking.

I felt a big churn in my nerve currents, was opening doors to welcome freshness. I realized what was I.

My legs moved quickly, and I started running. The gale increased its speed and leaves flew away.

There was a flower shower and I opened my arms…

Spray of water from clouds came down and made my throat moist…

Breath was feeling the cool in the passes..

I was looking at myself and yeah… I felt self esteemed.

Rock On!!!

2008-08-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

There is a humming on my lips when I am under the shower...

Some times I wish to give an answer by a song ;)

I open up my arms let the air flow through me when I am biking..

With these opened arms I make a punch in the air singing my fav tunes as if no one is watching me

I lean back on my bike's seat and make up funny postures..

I play PJs and laugh like hell..

I enact stars in front of mirror and appreciate myself

so many smiles in the trial room while buying a new shirt .. how am i looking like this;) ?

The little pride I took when my friends told me you sing well..

The tender smile I gave when someone said I am happy to talk to you..

The innocence I wore on my heart when someone showed concern..

A vivid joyful expression i gave when someone said "you look nice today "

All the times there was freshness, it was carried in every moment and every moment was enjoyed...

But things changed, slowly the natural living factor was going down..

It was more an algorithmic living.. changing priorities, changing situations.. at a time it was too much business logic on mind and heart..

Many compromises in life... I hold my kiddoing coming out when i am midst of crowd..

I hide my thoughts..

I give up my wants...

It was tough to realize all this but something made to it..at a moment I felt there was someone else living inside me and my soul looks here and there to figure out who actual me is...

Once the thought changed... the way was clear and natural beauty was out...

I had a long bike drive... opening my arms letting the wind flow through.. leaning on back on the seat and singing my fav song!

I am Rock On!...

Dad, I Love you

2008-07-30T00:32:00.001-07:00

It was one of the mornings of winter, when I got up early and ran to my dad and said, "Dad I will join you for the walk today..". My dad had no company that day, so he was very much happy to take me along with him. I gave a big smile and shouted in excitement, "Mom, I am going with dad for the walk.. will get back soon". We both walked towards the shoe stand, where my father has his favorite shoes(mine too), long, heavy, hush puppies. I said "Shall I wear them", my dad smiled and replied "you have got time to do that dear.. wait for that". I was convinced with his smile and started for the walk.

It was along the beach I was walking holding my dad's hand.. did a running race with my dad, and for the first time I won.. with gasping throat I said, once more.. there was fog along the beach.. and my dad was ahead in the race this time.. he was running in the fog and I could not see him clearly.. I tried my level best.. and I saw my dad stopping and walking at some distance. I raised my speed, and when about to reach him, I jumped in the air to hold his hand... I couldn't catch it, he was not there.. I had a illusion in the fog. I fell down on the sand hurting my forehead and nose. I got up, with out the sense of my wounds I was searching for my dad in eager and tense. I could not find him anywhere. I screamed and tears started rolling down my cheeks and nose was running. with full hands shirt I wore, I was rubbing my face and crying for my dad..

With this tense I came back home and I saw mom tensed, yet in a composed state. with high pitch in the voice I asked her "Where is dad ?". There was no reply, I shouted again "Where is dad ?".. my mom said, dad is on indefinite trip, he had to go and he did. I was scared, tears got intense and voice was going down. My mom took me into her arms, and said "Don't cry dear, he will be with us"...she continued saying "your dad left a message for you".. I was out of tears with that word and could not wait to see that.. my mom took me to the pair of shoes of my dad and said "Here it is".. I was happy with that message, and started wearing them. They were long and heavy and the way I walk changed a lot with them. As time progressed I developed a better way of walking with those shoes on.

In this journey dad, I did miss you, many times I was talking to you by myself, I never got an answer, at time I did not like you, for not giving me a reply, where have you been dad ? I needed you...

When ever I got this thought, I used to rush to mom and she soothed me. I remembered some of the stories you told me dad and that helped me to cheer myself and continue the journey. Over a period of time, I made my walk steady and learnt how to walk with them. I realized the biggest thing you wanted me to teach was, learning life by myself.

It took me this time, why you left that message when I was young, why you wanted me "to step in to your shoes". you built my life dad.. but always your presence is very much wanted...

I made my life the way it has to be dad and I am living up to my values and your thoughts. All said, still I miss you dad, I Love You

Nails on I

2008-06-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

I have a big mirror in my thoughts. When I look at it.. I see 3 lines… couple of them are parallel to each other and the other is perpendicular to the rest two. Well to Keep it simple it is the letter “I”. This letter I reflects everything that is happening in my life and do makes me heed to it.

During the course of living so far, I managed to understand what is failure and what is success. Well the message I learnt was there is nothing called failure J.

It is just an event happening in life where you are geared to a calculated modification with respect to your thoughts and senses. Every event of this kind takes the form of a nail being hit on to my “I”

Every nail that goes in has a series of hammer shots.. and every shot has an impact on the ideology… for sure it is painful and every pain you take sketches your character.

I had to take a nail recently in, it was hit so deep with only it’s head out of me. Was thinking why it pierced so deep realized I am in need of such a big change. I had to paint a picture when the nail was being pierced and had to manage it well. This time tears were angry with me and did not come out, yet raised a flame like feeling making me to feel the heat…

I had to be positive about this, rather took the option to be so. Taking the breath with nail right at the heart was not so easy every inhale reminded of pain and every exhale of the next big challenge. After 5-10 series of them, my mind started taking steps to overcome this pain.

The thought to overcome was enough to pour some strength in to me, and with that I have to manage the effect on my “I”. Between, I heard a voice, which was reminding me of my potential, well it was my own voice, reading the possessions I got into my character when nails were hit previously.

Every change was unique and so will be this. I have nothing to say on what this is… just watch out…

Curve of Smile and Drop of Tear

2008-05-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

I have been to a movie. There was a laughter situation in it. I noticed everyone was laughing in the theatre.

In the same movie there was an emotional scene. I was in tears and just looked around. there were few in the similar state.

This surprised me, why there is a mixed reaction when it comes to tears, why people find it easy to laugh and difficult to cry ?

Are we selfish in doing this, as laughter makes us happy .. as I read through my life, I remember the situations I cried than the situations I was in huge laughter...

having said this, this would be a situation in most of our lives, where you have tears in your eyes and smile on your lips.

a scene where your one and half year old niece is waiting to see you come back from office.

your 3 year old bro eager to give you a candy that he bought...

yourself eager to tell about your accomplishment to your MOM..

giving a hearty gift to your friend who means a lot to you..

I seriously wonder, I had a smile on my face yet a wetness in my eyes when I was present alive in the above scenes...

how did they intersect. When you feel, someone means you a lot and vice versa, the logic in brain doesn't work. you are in the waves of your heart and which makes your mind feel great.

you relish the concern they have for you, and your heart feels lighter and happier.. this results in the curve of smile on your lips.

you feel lucky for being in that stage and here comes a thought "Lucky me" which breaks the ice and comes out as drops of tears.

this conjunction results a lovable feel in your thoughts and memories.

It is stored permanently in your heart with the tag "Curve of Smile and Drop of Tear"

Shivering thoughts with Feeling Fever

2008-04-13T05:06:00.000-07:00

Seconds in life moved, just as the hand moves in a clock. At every tick it touched heart and yes, some ticks were painful. There was numbness along the wind pipe making the heart feel heavier. A deep breath was difficult to take, was not giving a chance to think. Raising an upward thrust to brain, cells quick at grabbing past and relating fast. Still, at the same level there was a decision taken and it is a conscious back thought. Both these lightning are fighting and it is still on. There comes some grey part, volunteering to step up and think about the current state. This puts a predefined, goal oriented word collection in to the sound pipe and makes the mouth to talk loud so that the ears can hear. The intent is to pierce these words with a wave of positive hope to stop the fight inside. A mass of a massive cloud carrying this heaviness drops from fore head to eyes, making the lids to droop and feel the weight.

Before you think the time is up, the wave that went inside, gives a hinge to the thinker, executing with a shake in thoughts, the mind itself. The thoughts resemble oscillations, with a disturbed path. They catch the numbness created and start shivering. As continued shivering is dangerous to health, fever like feeling spreads over. This messy when the heart is, the sync between heart and mind goes for a toss, resulting the Feeling Fever.

"The Breathe"

2008-03-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

It would be a strange ask by anyone, if it is something like this, “What do you want to be, if given a chance”. No one has been that patient enough to ask me this question. To soothe my thinking heart, I answer this self posed question, which goes as echo in the ridges of my mind.

A feet away from the end line

A Foot away from the Flag hole

A move away from check mate

A step away from home run.

The four lines above, are at the edge of the scene. Athlete takes a deep breathe to put the last step forward to cross the end line.

When a ball is a feet away from the hole moving towards it, golfer fills his heart with the same.

When about to make a final move for the check mate, with a smile in eyes a similar breathe passes through this player’s thoughts.

The same breathe adds a tense to the mood of the base ball player, running with his eyes on the ball, which is a step away from the home run with a man standing for it.

All above 4 men, will feel lucky of taking that breathe and being alive to make to the moment an cherish the success. It is the sense that this breathe is going leave on men, which they happen to recollect later to this.

Every time thought about “The Breathe”, it adds pulse to blood and impulse to thoughts.

I wish to be this breathe at a success. Though I live for a while, I want such a life.

Eyes Shadow on the Smile

2008-03-04T10:43:00.002-08:00

When a tiny,black particle resides inside your thoughts, which makes its presence in every way you think, and every other way you act....

That spins and spins the shivering spirals, which miss their orbits quite often, leaving yourself, rather your "self", in a sense created by a scene in which Silence killed itself, and peace made into pieces...

the peace above was in attaining ethical sense to your thoughts, and silence was at their purity...

all this happens in a closed shell, which is not accessible easily, yet throws its results out...

The results above, rather ousted results above, disturbs coherence, the mind has with the thoughts..., leaves a thirsty deep feel awaiting for a soothing moist air to pass through, and finally strikes the eyes and gives a drift in the behaviour...

Silly lips, wants to make a sensible impact in this havoc, but couldn't actually notice, the eyes already had their shadow on them...

How it Feels when you are Breathing Your Last Breath ???

2008-02-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

Wonder what... how can i answer this question ? Let me give a try, instead make an attempt to address the one of the things we all will share in common "Death".

When you are folding your fist for the last time, seeing the world, your loved ones, the place you lived, your memories for the last time, how does it feel... this puts a big question to my thoughts, what will i recollect at that time. What would make me really proud at that moment? to fold my fist, in the same way i did many a times, when got a wicket while playing cricket, wrote some fantastic code, materialized a fantastic idea.

How can i hold my smile up and cheerful, yet in the same situation , as i did when i had my first Salary, when my MOM was proud of me....

How can I have the same passion in my eyes, yet again in the same scene, as I made my dreams come true... when I bought my First bike... I got my dream job

The "How" in this context... dug many things in my mind.. I would really want a accomplishment, that makes to do all the above, when I am having my last breath. This added more thinking to my thoughts, more thirst to my wants and more passion to my attitude.

Filled with the showers that take me to the gate of success, wearing a cover on the heart, which hides the whip marks it had, while trying for it!! when i open the door with the same hand whose fist, I want to close when i have my last smile, which resembles the same when I am opening the door. The passion that makes me give a punch in the air, with closed fist on entering the campus crossing the door, I see a personified sense of accomplishment, waiting to greet me for life, and give me a sense of satisfaction.

This sense would really make to close the fist, with passion of feeling the sense, and a smile on my face saying that I have done justice for my existence.

Branding how does that Matter

2008-02-26T07:33:00.000-08:00

It so happens at work people try branding others, with their work style, habits and other stuff..

I have seen few people who escape from this. I came across a similar scenario, but I liked the brand that was used for me "Default Exceeded ". this makes me to have a proudish (couldn't get a better/correct word)smile ;-).

Note for me: Get back to work

Shirdi, the place to be

2008-02-25T06:34:00.000-08:00

This is the fourth time I have visited this holy place in the last 2 years. I had my mom come with me, this time. It happens to be some people's serious want to come here at least once in lifetime, just the case with my MOM.

This was the best and pleasant of the Darshan I ever had, having said this I was very clear with the list of wants too ;). In fact this is the first time, I asked him for help, not for the reason that I can't do them without asking... but wanted to do them quickly... let me not get into too much detail (I have something else to write all this... ;) )

Shani Singapore is an awesome place... it got its own identity, all the way, and when I visited the place, I had a sense of variation in regards to normal religious places... After being shocked with the charges I had to bear there, I had to sleep for a night before I could get on to the best of the bus journeys I ever had.

It was a Volvo bus, with few technical problems; the only limitation being it can’t cross 40 Km/hr. It made my 10-11 Hr journey a 22 hour one. Though it was really tiresome, I had two major things to praise for,

1. The Determination of the two bus drivers, who were starting the bus every time it stopped (it stopped for almost 20odd times) and literally burning their hands in making the engine to start. Hats off!!! to their commitment.

2. Everything happens, happens for a reason, and that too for a good reason... (Let me keep this as suspense)

Inherit From Pluto ???

2008-02-20T12:05:00.000-08:00

My mom always says, Pluto is the one who is the cotnroller of deaths in the world. Well, though the choosing of inheritance was conincidental, now it makes more relative to me once i had done this...

My Dad is already there long back, might be with his powerful narration influnced Pluto...though it seems/reads different ;)

before thinking all these making a celestial body as a source for grey matter !!!