Self Leaved to Self Esteemed

With head down, I was walking along the road, trying to count the dried leaves in front of my eyes. There was gale passing, my head was moving along with the leaves.

One leaf went a bit more far, my mind went lazy to follow that. I was walking in deep distress and as if the legs were not mine. I felt I had no control on them and they are just walking at their wish.

Hands were moving involuntarily, I am not sure what my eyes were searching for.

Thoughts were scattered and the direction was unknown.

Instincts were buried and I felt insane.

My body felt as if a package of bones put together with sheer coincidence.

I felt cheated by my own self, saying that I have full control on myself.

Grey matter was of void use and deep silence was present, yet mind was not noticing it.

I was trying to think why my state is so and my brain was not responding.

I felt as if self leaved..

I heard some sounds surprisingly, the leaves being crushed under my foot. I felt I was disturbing the silence around..

Some voice inside asked me what happened.. why are you so ?

Realized it as my “self” I replied, you guys cheated me, I trusted you all..

The voice gave a soothing apology said, am not sure why are you like this..

I cut short the voice and said, look at my stage now, I have no control on myself, I don’t know what I am doing.. you guys never work as per my wish.I went on and on, and by is time I developed cough in my throat.

I was getting all the anguish that was sleeping in my thoughts and bombarding the listening voice with it. I know am shouting for my life, yes, I am shouting for the lost life...

The voice tried to interrupt me but i gave it no chance.
I continued saying, you never even have a glance to look at what all I am going through, what's happening in and out of mine, you behave as if you are not for me, but of someone else.

I feel am lost, this word lost struck my heart heavy and I increased my pitch. I couldn't talk further, I was in intense cough.

This cough unnoticingly gave the voice time; It replied, you are in a misconception, see even now I am telling you, you are talking so fast, you need water and your throat is dry..

These words made me go silent, I could not get another word,

Meanwhile the inner voice continued saying..

I never left you I was always there, it was because of me you were able to hear the sound of the crushed leaves..

I was always here, it was you who was on and off always..

Sometimes you thought I was very beautiful and sometimes otherwise..

Your thoughts changed, where as everything was the same in me.

I was confused and asked “Who are you ?” it replied I am yourself.. your “self”..

These words were catalyst in invoking my thought process, I could feel the pulse running and thoughts provoking.

I felt a big churn in my nerve currents, was opening doors to welcome freshness. I realized what was I.

My legs moved quickly, and I started running. The gale increased its speed and leaves flew away.

There was a flower shower and I opened my arms…

Spray of water from clouds came down and made my throat moist…

Breath was feeling the cool in the passes..

I was looking at myself and yeah… I felt self esteemed.