“It can be yourself !!!”

The last day of the year, heavy snow at my place this season. Today it was even more, people were hardly visible on the sidewalks when I peeped through the window clearing the fog on it. I pulled my leather coat out what John and Tina gifted me when they flew to NewZeland. I wore the shoes, which was my dad’s last gift for me. Had the cap on, this was from my mom on my last birthday. I came out of my room and started walking on the street.

I was heading to the church nearby. As I see my feet creating foot marks on the snow, was recollecting the mistake I made in the morning. Again I got tensed, I was feeling guilty for my mistake. To come over that I started running and reached the church steps. I plunged on to them the third one went wrong and I almost hurt my fore head managed to be ok somehow. I opened the church door, perhaps was feeling eternal peace at the very first sight. A bunch of candles lit in front of Jesus and father sitting to a side and was reading the prayer aloud. I walked towards the confession box, removed my shoes, took off my coat and cap. I was down on my knees and I started weeping. Father was silent till the time I got to a tranquil state and asked me what happened.

I started telling him the mistake I did at today’s dawn. I was frustrated with my life, things happening in my life and walked to soccer fields where I normally play for a change in air. I was sitting at the parking lot and kids were playing there though it was very cold. I was preoccupied until I observed the soccer ball coming towards me. I am not sure what was in my mind and I gave a hard kick on that. That went and hit a kid on his head, he was badly hurt. He started bleeding from his nose and it took 4 hours for him to be normal after taking to the hospital.” I paused for a while and shouted “I don’t know why I do like this Father. I lose my control.”


Father asked me, “Is this the first time you are observing like this or ?”, “No, Father last week I was smoking while I was driving, and I threw the cigarette out in annoyance again, it fell into the adjacent car and did hurt the person who was sitting in that. My mom always told me never to smoke while I was driving. But that day I don’t know, you know what Father, many a times I end up doing something unpleasant for others . I was never like this before, but since some time, I am not sure what’s going on“

Father replied “Relax my son, frustration is often a vicious circle which kills human’s sense. But why were you getting frustrated, and as you say, you were not always like this, you were never anxious before ?”

“I am upset with things happening around me, or sometimes and I am upset with myself. I don’t know why I go against my will to do some stuff.. later to doing that it hurts and hence…” I gave a recess as I was not able to talk. All the moments where I have been like this were passing through mind. I was feeling literal havoc, and I leaned forward seeking support for my forehead on to the wooden plank over there.

Father would have felt the silence and said “You still didn’t answer my question, you said you were never like this before, you were never anxious prior to these incidents ?”

I answered “Yes I did, but that did not result in anything like this, ” father asked “What might have changed ?”, I said “Might be the people around me, John and Tina left. They were my biggest assets for life, as they left I was alone. Further blow was my dad. I think I am not having one to listen to me or on whom I can take my frustration off.”

I continued saying” At times I manage myself well, but for certain things I don’t know, probably I am used to depend on people. I used to follow their suggestions and get back to normal state but now I am in a helpless state”

Father said” you nailed your problem for yourself. So why can’t you do something about it ?” I had no answer for that and had to seek help from him; yeah I had to.

Father said “It is normal for a person to get anxious and irritated with certain things what he doesn’t like. This anxiousness will not let your brain work and demands some external help to get rid of it. By god’s grace you had people in your life who helped you to come out of it. As a universal truth you can’t be sure of someone’s presence always and you concede to frustration in their absence. So you have to find one who will always be with you and help you come out of it.”

I asked him ”Will it not be the same case again ? what if that person also leaves..”

Father replied “If I am not complicating it can be yourself, as you are the best person to know what is wrong with you…and you will never leave yourself”

This one liner made me raise my forehead and my eyes to hoist. I was in deep thinking and was making myself to accept what the father said, as it made sense.

I think he moved from his chair and walked inside as I heard no voice after that. I got up, took my belongings and when about to leave the church, turned back to say a big thank you to Jesus, for the change brought in myself.

When I ran down the steps this time I was all active and opened my dairy to write the conversation with the father. After thinking for a while, I just wrote a line and slept, “It can be yourself!!!”