Monday, 28 December 2015

An Orphan Who Lost His Father

The number 10 isn't really that big as it seems to be. Hardly one knows who you are when your age reaches that number.

And if that magic number does a magic with you, say it comes and tells you.. that hey.. let us do this.. you chose someone... I will make him disappear and appear...

I was at the playground when that happened.. I said can you really do that ? Oh. yes was the answer...

I think I got a little scared... did a toss .. if it is head let us chose dad, else mom and it was dad.. I said let us do the magic with my dad... and after 10 I couldn't see him.

really couldn't call that a magic... it was just the fate on that date... after all the fate is the magic that someone never understands or for that matter no one...

and at that magic number the only thing i know was from tomorrow dad will not be at home.. so i can play a lot.. do a lot mischief..

and i actually started doing.. not just in home but everywhere.. then i realised the magic hasn't taken just my dad...but the magic around us as well...

i saw lot of shows of magic where the magician waves hands and things come back.. waved hands for ages.. dad never came back neither the magic...

got lost in discipline.. there was no one to scold, no one to take you for a walk to tell how life is.. and to guide how you need to be..

mom was busy doing dad's part time role.. getting the family along...she was doing it decently well... for her I was no longer the son, a responsibility she had to groom.. at times I was a burden.. at least with my vivid habits of interest in studies and mischief. She didn't care about the former and never asked me why I was doing the latter...

The magic was still playing with me.. I realised this is how life is going to be... couldn't make friends.. really couldn't understand what one wants from another... one thing for sure the magic has taken away is the love in life.. perhaps that is the reason why there is a relation called mom  and dad was made by god..

got along the magic.. learnt some tricks and was reasonably successful... but yea this orphanism never left my thoughts... it was always a conscious back thought.. and it was having an impact always...


When the magic was kind of giving a nice way for me finally.. found a hope.. hope was brighter than what i have seen before.. a rest that could lie on and cry... a taste i can relish.. having skipped the meal in the last and lost life...

got along with that hope.. man the magic seemed to work well.. i was having a roll.. i was getting into those kinds of stuff which I never did before... I was in love... the hope assured me life again... got along...

the only challenge was hope was on a hill with a bushy way... never bothered pain always used to run along the bushes... in my lost life... couldn't learn how to clean the bushes and make way... slowly started hurting myself when walking along the bushes..

I know the hope would have given me the courage.. instead i took it upon me... the past life there were many times i got lost in the bushes... and probably dad was never there.. and never really learnt to ask how do i clear these bushes.. employed the same brain...

the bushes started getting thicker and i started clearing harder..they were growing at a higher speed and i wasn't able to cope up.. was getting lost... tired... and the hope what i got started diminishing.. in fact the hope was feeling bad that why i never approached for a suggestion... how do you really clear the bushes...

I never realised i have to ask... got along .. lost in the bushes... lot my way and suddenly i find myself at the bottom of the hill and bushes dense.. thick.. I see no hope now... the hope is equally sad...


some questions still remain.. will i ever see the hope again ? probably not.. even if i see can i be the same way i was before.. what happens to the bushes now...

I sat down started crying... there was a mirror next to me.. i had a glance.. as I am used to giving one liners always.. what I could only tell myself was that I am "An Orphan Who Lost His Father"

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

I will be Myself.... My Self

Was on a journey since moon was half clipped and he is almost full now. Lot I have seen, and all of them passed by. Many did disturb but managed to get along.

To recall a few, in fact the very first encounter in my journey, the farmer across the woods. He asked me to work in his farm for that night and will pay me high. He told me that he got a message from the neighbouring village that bears are attacking the farms and he wanted to help to tighten the fence and put fire pits around the farm. The landscape was big and I could see hardly anyone out there. Confused I asked him, why are you not telling your co-farmers? he said that's none of your business. I was shocked, how can someone be so mean, when i thought this i laughed at myself, as the same experience of meanness from my previous life is making me run this hard. While I was about to get started, he said "If someone asks you what you are doing here, don't say about the bear attack." I said, I can't do it, he said "You have to". I said I can't kill my honesty... he was unhappy with my response and I broke the work and resumed my journey. I still ponder over that one single statement he made, making fun of me.... "If you want to live happily you cannot be honest."

I already had enough and this farmer poured in some more... I really can't take it... The next stop was at a warfare house, getting ready for an attack on their enemies. The house was more than happy to welcome as they were looking for someone who is new to that place and who needs to carry out a secret operation. They wanted to kill their enemies by poisoning the water in the enemy camp. I shouted, you guys are gone mad, "How can you do this to them? This is not the way you fight, be brave, face them head on and win." Though the situation was different, the laughter was same as that of the farmer. I was ill treated and taunted extremely and I really had to urge myself to start my running again. This time the one liner was "being truthful and righteous works only in books and texts, not in life"

Numerous I can narrate, and was exhausted. What I learnt about how to live life is exactly opposite to the way people are living and I am unable to make a living midst this. If this is the only way one can live in this world, why was my early life teaching something else. Is it evil to think good ? Is it wrong to be right.... why is that i am going through all of this.... I was let down by my principles and was pulled down for my thoughts, I barely know what success is...

and I am at my final destination now. If this is not going to solve the problem my journey has to end here...

It is the same place where I learnt everything. I sat down talking to "Him" about all of this.... I was weeping throughout and venting what all I have gone through. "He" listened to everything and said, why are you crying, I am happy that you did not change despite of all of these situations, you still want to be you. This is enough to feel worthwhile in your life. I was confused. "He" continued you are what you make out of your self and prior to that you need to have a journey to know your "self", and that is what this journey was. To realize what you  are.

I said, the farmer seems to be more happy than me, I feel i don't know what I need to do to be successful. "He" smiled and said, success is not owning a farm or winning a war, it is in knowing what you are, and how you need to be. This is a journey of journeys and one day the farmer also will do this journey.

I said, it is very tough to be yourself at times, "He" it is bound to be tough and will get tougher as you progress in life. but just keep in mind the tougher the test the greater the reward. The reward of proximity to your self. you will get close to yourself as you get along this tour..

I was calming down, "He" said take a nap and get going, things will be alright.... that instilled some confidence and as I dropped my eye lids... I sketched a resolution for this journey, "I will be Myself, My Self!!"

Friday, 30 September 2011

Swami, I wanna grow honest

I have seen a love that is mesmerizing.

I have seen love that is completely unconditional.

I have seen love that is really really pure.

Pure to the extent that tears roll down the moment i see your eyes.

I wanna get close to you.. i wanna get there.. I wanna get rid of the wax that is in me in getting close to you...

I will put my every effort to be there.. every thought to direct me there... everything in blood water to take me there...

Swami i wanna be there with you.. I wanna be honest to the core.. and i wanna grow honest...