“It can be yourself !!!”

The last day of the year, heavy snow at my place this season. Today it was even more, people were hardly visible on the sidewalks when I peeped through the window clearing the fog on it. I pulled my leather coat out what John and Tina gifted me when they flew to NewZeland. I wore the shoes, which was my dad’s last gift for me. Had the cap on, this was from my mom on my last birthday. I came out of my room and started walking on the street.

I was heading to the church nearby. As I see my feet creating foot marks on the snow, was recollecting the mistake I made in the morning. Again I got tensed, I was feeling guilty for my mistake. To come over that I started running and reached the church steps. I plunged on to them the third one went wrong and I almost hurt my fore head managed to be ok somehow. I opened the church door, perhaps was feeling eternal peace at the very first sight. A bunch of candles lit in front of Jesus and father sitting to a side and was reading the prayer aloud. I walked towards the confession box, removed my shoes, took off my coat and cap. I was down on my knees and I started weeping. Father was silent till the time I got to a tranquil state and asked me what happened.

I started telling him the mistake I did at today’s dawn. I was frustrated with my life, things happening in my life and walked to soccer fields where I normally play for a change in air. I was sitting at the parking lot and kids were playing there though it was very cold. I was preoccupied until I observed the soccer ball coming towards me. I am not sure what was in my mind and I gave a hard kick on that. That went and hit a kid on his head, he was badly hurt. He started bleeding from his nose and it took 4 hours for him to be normal after taking to the hospital.” I paused for a while and shouted “I don’t know why I do like this Father. I lose my control.”


Father asked me, “Is this the first time you are observing like this or ?”, “No, Father last week I was smoking while I was driving, and I threw the cigarette out in annoyance again, it fell into the adjacent car and did hurt the person who was sitting in that. My mom always told me never to smoke while I was driving. But that day I don’t know, you know what Father, many a times I end up doing something unpleasant for others . I was never like this before, but since some time, I am not sure what’s going on“

Father replied “Relax my son, frustration is often a vicious circle which kills human’s sense. But why were you getting frustrated, and as you say, you were not always like this, you were never anxious before ?”

“I am upset with things happening around me, or sometimes and I am upset with myself. I don’t know why I go against my will to do some stuff.. later to doing that it hurts and hence…” I gave a recess as I was not able to talk. All the moments where I have been like this were passing through mind. I was feeling literal havoc, and I leaned forward seeking support for my forehead on to the wooden plank over there.

Father would have felt the silence and said “You still didn’t answer my question, you said you were never like this before, you were never anxious prior to these incidents ?”

I answered “Yes I did, but that did not result in anything like this, ” father asked “What might have changed ?”, I said “Might be the people around me, John and Tina left. They were my biggest assets for life, as they left I was alone. Further blow was my dad. I think I am not having one to listen to me or on whom I can take my frustration off.”

I continued saying” At times I manage myself well, but for certain things I don’t know, probably I am used to depend on people. I used to follow their suggestions and get back to normal state but now I am in a helpless state”

Father said” you nailed your problem for yourself. So why can’t you do something about it ?” I had no answer for that and had to seek help from him; yeah I had to.

Father said “It is normal for a person to get anxious and irritated with certain things what he doesn’t like. This anxiousness will not let your brain work and demands some external help to get rid of it. By god’s grace you had people in your life who helped you to come out of it. As a universal truth you can’t be sure of someone’s presence always and you concede to frustration in their absence. So you have to find one who will always be with you and help you come out of it.”

I asked him ”Will it not be the same case again ? what if that person also leaves..”

Father replied “If I am not complicating it can be yourself, as you are the best person to know what is wrong with you…and you will never leave yourself”

This one liner made me raise my forehead and my eyes to hoist. I was in deep thinking and was making myself to accept what the father said, as it made sense.

I think he moved from his chair and walked inside as I heard no voice after that. I got up, took my belongings and when about to leave the church, turned back to say a big thank you to Jesus, for the change brought in myself.

When I ran down the steps this time I was all active and opened my dairy to write the conversation with the father. After thinking for a while, I just wrote a line and slept, “It can be yourself!!!”

It’s not for what you have done.....

I was dead when she said those words. My ears couldn’t bear the pain they carried and mind the meaning. She said “It’s over.” I had no words coming out, just turned back and walking with all the past moments flying in my eyes. I was dragging myself and was holding my eyes hard so that the tears will not come out. I needed someone to standby perhaps, the one I thought told me this. I walked back home, pushed the door saw my mom waiting for me. It was quite late in the night and yet she was still up.


She has been a patient listener whenever I was a impatient speaker. She bared my frustration many a times. Looking at her my eyes broke and I started crying. No sooner I was in her arms and tears were running. She made me sit on the floor and was trying to console me. I slept on the floor with head on my mother’s lap and I was still weeping. She placed her hand on my fore head and asked “”What happened dear? I have never seen you like this..”


I replied “I lost in my life, what all I thought was mine doesn’t belong to me anymore. I am a big time loser, I lost what all was I”.. I couldn’t speak more as tears became intense. My mom was still patient and she was just letting me cry, she wanted me to be relieved from the pain I am having, I think.

I started talking again “You know what mom, the one person whom I thought was for me, asked me to leave out of her life. She told me she can’t like me anymore. I couldn’t even ask her the reason, as the very word killed me.” My mom, I think understood what happened now. She started telling me how people should handle these kind of things, how you need to come out of it and start doing what you are meant to do. Those words definitely made sense, reduced the intensity of tears; but still one thing was in my mind. “What I have done in my past, so that I am facing this now, why I eventually ended up breaking up a relation which I thought was my life.”

I asked my mom the same question with sheer innocence . She smiled and said “You are asking like a kid.. don’t you feel so ?” I said “Yes mom, but what did I do, of which I broke my relation and putting my mind for a change ?”

She patiently replied "My dear, I will tell you a story which will let you understand how to perceive what has happened with you. Once a king went for hunting and got lost in the forest. He happened to find himself a sage’s place to stay overnight. The next morning he got up he was ill. Sage asked him to take rest till he recovers. King thanked the sage and stayed back. Sage went to the backyard and searched for a herb he planted couple of days before. looking at it he said, "Yes, I can use this tomorrow for medication.”

The herb listened this. It was seriously worried. The reason was that, the herb was planted couple of days back, and near to that there was a pebble. When there was rain the day the herb was planted the pebble protected it from getting eroded. The herb developed a attachment to the pebble. As herbs grow fast they tend to stand straight indicating their growth. Poor herb wanted to be close to the pebble and started bending towards the pebble. It was this bend what the sage looked at and said, yes I can use this for medication tomorrow. The herb couldn’t be of much help and same was the case with pebble. Finally next morning sage came to the back yard and tried to pluck the herb. The pebble tried to stop the effort but in vain. Sage took the herb, Made the pebble to close the next herb and proceeded for medication. King was cured and he proceeded with his journey thanking the sage""

My mom looked at me now, and asked me for the conclusion I got from what she said, I replied “It was not definitely the story of king and sage it is the story of herb and pebble. You were referring to the purpose what the herb and the pebble were meant to do”.

Mom replied with a smile and said “Yes, It’s about focusing on the purpose of your life. The herb that was separated from the pebble cured a king, the pebble was supposed to protect herbs from getting eroded. They are meant for that for their life.”. These words did work on me and I developed sense out of the story. She looked at me persuasively and said “My Dear, remember one thing, when time makes you come out of something, it’s not for what you have done, it’s for what you have to do.”

My Review With God

I believe in instincts. I trust the words said to me by myself about things happening. In this term of living life almost all the times the words said have been true.

That evening was no different.


I got up in the morning and was making my mind ready to accept what all the sun light shows me today. I was eager to go to sleep again, I think I was tired. I went along with the regular activities, after sometime I realized I was not totally in. I was preoccupied. I sat for a while and observed my thoughts. This time the instinct spoke hard. I was being told "Today is your last day". I was quite disturbed with those words and was skeptical about them. as the clock rolled for a while, I had to believe in it as the instinct was growing strong.

I said my mom, I will be back in a while and I walked out of the house. I was recollecting all the moments in my life which I don't want to forget permanently after today.

I was walking in deep thoughts and took lot of time for myself. I sat under the tree thinking about the times I am going to miss. I had long walk alone on the bank of river, thinking of people I am going to lose.

 


Amidst of this, there was a interesting thought, being knowing that today is my last day, why I am sad? I made up my mind and started recollecting the precious moments of my life and wondering where will I go this night, after I breath my last.

Soon I was a kid at heart. I was running on the wall along my house compound wall looking at sky. I was tired enough and was back home. My mom was waiting for me. I gave her a deep hug and moved towards my bed.

With eyes looking at the roof I had different people, thoughts and memories moving on the roof. It increased the weight and I closed my eyes, perhaps for the last time...

I remember few inhales and exhales after my eye lids rested that evening. The last that went out made my body cool. I know I was done for life. I (My soul) was out and staring at the body lying on the bed.

I was able to feel all this and I looked at myself. I was still having a formation similar to my body but had my feet very close to each other. I was wondering what will happen next. I happened to see an entrance in front of me with nil light along its way. The moment I entered that, I flew with tremendous speed. I thought I will die, how stupid.

After doing that journey for a while I made myself in front of dark brown gate, which was inscribed in some ancient literature, while I was trying to understand what's that, the door opened and a force dragged me furiously. literally I flew and fell on the bank of a river.

I was clueless of what's happening. I heard a voice asking me to get on to a plank nearby, and involuntarily I did that. The plank started moving by itself across the river. while I was in the middle, I saw a old man fighting with water currents. I thought, I wish I could help him. Surprisingly the plank moved towards him, I dragged him on to the plank. He went unconscious once he got on to the plank. To my surprise the plank was not able to bear the weight and was developing cracks. without any other thought I jumped into water. The next second I found myself on the other bank of the river, no sight of the plank nor the Old man.

The voice that directed me previously sounded again. walk towards your left and you will see a golden hall. walk up the stairs and you have a mirror chamber. Be seated there.

I shouted who are you, where are you taking me ? The response was a smile and nothing else. I did follow the steps, not sure exactly why and got seated in the mirror chamber. It was round table I was sitting in front of, and there was another chair empty as if waiting for someone. Well with all the doubts, I was trying to recollect what all happened to me in this journey.

Suddenly I found the Mirrors coming closer to me and a white dressed human shape walking towards me. at first I observed it is walking exactly like me. As it approached near, the mirror movement stopped. as the body was coming nearer I was feeling very calm and peaceful. I was sensing my mind getting relaxed. It sat in front of me and even then I could not look at it clearly. the shape was very vague.

In curiousness I asked who are you, I could hear a smile. when I was about to ask the same question again, I heard an answer, don't you know that I am the one whom you are supposed to meet when you become free from your body... I felt the question as complicated, and I just thought for a while, and yes this time it struck, it was the almighty.

He said, Yes I am, I was shocked, how come he understood what I thought ;-). Next moment I laughed at myself, saying he is almighty.

He asked me about my journey and all. when I was answering he took a bunch of papers and was arranging them. I was curious and asked, "What are these papers ?"

With a smile he replied "Your Commitments for Life"...I was surprised, and said I never made them, he replied, "I did them for you, like I do for everyone". I was surprised and asked, you never told me about them then, he replied "knowing your commitments is one of the commitments in your life."


I said "Oh my god!" and he said "Yes". Can I have a look at them, I requested him. he said sure, I took the papers into my hand and was shell shocked. Each moment of my life was clearly tracked to a great level of detail. The smallest to smallest things I did like, footing a stone on the road while walking, to the major things like liking someone.

In exclamation I said, this level of detail and the answer was again a smile. He asked me can we start ? I could not follow and I said "I am sorry, what?". God replied "My dear, let's start the review; we will talk about your accomplishments first".

He started commenting about the way I took care of my character, my responsibilities, my mom..I was feeling very happy. soon he is done with this list and started the mistakes in my life.

He asked me “Why you did not help one of your friend when he was in need, and you were in a position to help.” I replied I could not trust his necessity. He replied, because of that your friend lost a great future. Hearing to that, I felt bad and in a way guilty too. he narrated similar instances all along and was asking me reasons for my behavior. I was honest at giving answers to him.

As I started being pure the face of God was getting clearer. I could see the hair style and the way he nods his head. Again I was comparing to me.

We continued the discussion, and he asked me about a relation I broke. I replied him saying I felt that was the right thing to do, as I was making the other person uncomfortable with my behavior. God questioned why didn't you think of changing your attitude then, I said, I did not want to as it is not worth.

God replied "Not worth!! If you changed at that time perhaps that was the best life you could have had". I did not feel bad but conveyed that, I was happy with the way my life went till now and no complains.

I saw a different sigh in the way he accepted this answer, I felt he was convinced.

The face was getting more clearer, I could see his hands and fingers very clearly. I think he was trying to imitate me with the hand actions. I found them very similar.

In the same way we talked about various other situations and in the flow we came to the old man I saw some time ago.

god asked me why did you jump into water, I replied I know the value of life and I was sure I can save myself.

God laughed and told me you already left your body, what will you save now..I had no words, he gave a smile to that.

I was seeing his face and I thought he was trying to play around with me, his face was resembling me. being almighty he can do anything.

He said, I am done with all the things I need to ask you and am happy with your explanation. If you have any questions we will talk else, your next life will get started eventually.

I said, "I have one question, since you made the list of things I need to do in my life, I am evaluated against those. but no one writes commitments for you. why do you do all this, whom you have to answer ? whom are you accountable to ?"

I was very pure in asking this question, reason being if I live with god as a belief in mind what makes god be like that.

I think god observed this purity and gave a soothing smile. He said "I am accountable to myself".

Thoughts revamped. I was moved to core. I just thought how better my life could have been if I am accountable to myself. I felt I could have really made most of my life in this way. I could feel the purity in my senses and actions. While I am in this thoughts, he got up and started walking back. The mirrors were about to move back and I peeped on to my side.

I wanted to see god's face, when I saw that I was shocked! It was mine...

Soon he disappeared and there was a sudden flash of light and everything disappeared. Since it was sudden light, my eyes wore tears and I opened my eyes...

I was on the bed....got up with deep astonishment. I was amazed at this experience and I touched my eyes casually... They were wet!!!

Self Leaved to Self Esteemed

With head down, I was walking along the road, trying to count the dried leaves in front of my eyes. There was gale passing, my head was moving along with the leaves.

One leaf went a bit more far, my mind went lazy to follow that. I was walking in deep distress and as if the legs were not mine. I felt I had no control on them and they are just walking at their wish.

Hands were moving involuntarily, I am not sure what my eyes were searching for.

Thoughts were scattered and the direction was unknown.

Instincts were buried and I felt insane.

My body felt as if a package of bones put together with sheer coincidence.

I felt cheated by my own self, saying that I have full control on myself.

Grey matter was of void use and deep silence was present, yet mind was not noticing it.

I was trying to think why my state is so and my brain was not responding.

I felt as if self leaved..

I heard some sounds surprisingly, the leaves being crushed under my foot. I felt I was disturbing the silence around..

Some voice inside asked me what happened.. why are you so ?

Realized it as my “self” I replied, you guys cheated me, I trusted you all..

The voice gave a soothing apology said, am not sure why are you like this..

I cut short the voice and said, look at my stage now, I have no control on myself, I don’t know what I am doing.. you guys never work as per my wish.I went on and on, and by is time I developed cough in my throat.

I was getting all the anguish that was sleeping in my thoughts and bombarding the listening voice with it. I know am shouting for my life, yes, I am shouting for the lost life...

The voice tried to interrupt me but i gave it no chance.
I continued saying, you never even have a glance to look at what all I am going through, what's happening in and out of mine, you behave as if you are not for me, but of someone else.

I feel am lost, this word lost struck my heart heavy and I increased my pitch. I couldn't talk further, I was in intense cough.

This cough unnoticingly gave the voice time; It replied, you are in a misconception, see even now I am telling you, you are talking so fast, you need water and your throat is dry..

These words made me go silent, I could not get another word,

Meanwhile the inner voice continued saying..

I never left you I was always there, it was because of me you were able to hear the sound of the crushed leaves..

I was always here, it was you who was on and off always..

Sometimes you thought I was very beautiful and sometimes otherwise..

Your thoughts changed, where as everything was the same in me.

I was confused and asked “Who are you ?” it replied I am yourself.. your “self”..

These words were catalyst in invoking my thought process, I could feel the pulse running and thoughts provoking.

I felt a big churn in my nerve currents, was opening doors to welcome freshness. I realized what was I.

My legs moved quickly, and I started running. The gale increased its speed and leaves flew away.

There was a flower shower and I opened my arms…

Spray of water from clouds came down and made my throat moist…

Breath was feeling the cool in the passes..

I was looking at myself and yeah… I felt self esteemed.

Rock On!!!

There is a humming on my lips when I am under the shower...

Some times I wish to give an answer by a song ;)

I open up my arms let the air flow through me when I am biking..

With these opened arms I make a punch in the air singing my fav tunes as if no one is watching me

I lean back on my bike's seat and make up funny postures..

I play PJs and laugh like hell..

I enact stars in front of mirror and appreciate myself

so many smiles in the trial room while buying a new shirt .. how am i looking like this;) ?

The little pride I took when my friends told me you sing well..

The tender smile I gave when someone said I am happy to talk to you..

The innocence I wore on my heart when someone showed concern..

A vivid joyful expression i gave when someone said "you look nice today "

All the times there was freshness, it was carried in every moment and every moment was enjoyed...

But things changed, slowly the natural living factor was going down..

It was more an algorithmic living.. changing priorities, changing situations.. at a time it was too much business logic on mind and heart..

Many compromises in life... I hold my kiddoing coming out when i am midst of crowd..

I hide my thoughts..

I give up my wants...

It was tough to realize all this but something made to it..at a moment I felt there was someone else living inside me and my soul looks here and there to figure out who actual me is...

Once the thought changed... the way was clear and natural beauty was out...

I had a long bike drive... opening my arms letting the wind flow through.. leaning on back on the seat and singing my fav song!

I am Rock On!...

Dad, I Love you

It was one of the mornings of winter when I got up early and ran to my dad and said, "Dad I will join you for the walk today..". My dad had no company that day, so he was very much happy to take me along with him. I gave a big smile and shouted in excitement, "Mom, I am going with dad for the walk.. will get back soon". We both walked towards the shoe stand, where my father has his favorite shoes(mine too), long, heavy, hush puppies. I said "Shall I wear them", my dad smiled and replied, "you have got time to do that dear.. wait for that". I was convinced with his smile and started for the walk.

It was along the beach I was walking holding my dad's hand... did a running race with my dad, and for the first time I won.. with gasping throat I said, once more. there was fog along the beach.. and my dad was ahead in the race this time...  he was running in the fog and I could not see him clearly... I tried my level best.. and I saw my dad stopping and walking at some distance. I raised my speed, and when about to reach him, I jumped in the air to hold his hand... I couldn't catch it, he was not there... I had an illusion in the fog. I fell down on the sand hurting my forehead and nose. I got up, without the sense of my wounds I was searching for my dad in eager and tense. I could not find him anywhere. I screamed and tears started rolling down my cheeks and nose was running. with full hands shirt I wore, I was rubbing my face and crying for my dad.
With this tense, I came back home and I saw mom tensed, yet in a composed state. with a high pitch in the voice, I asked her "Where is dad ?". There was no reply, I shouted again "Where is dad ?".. my mom said, dad is on an indefinite trip, he had to go and he did. I was scared, tears got intense and voice was going down. My mom took me into her arms, and said "Don't cry dear, he will be with us"...she continued saying "your dad left a message for you".. I was out of tears with that word and could not wait to see that.. my mom took me to the pair of shoes of my dad and said "Here it is".. I was happy with that message, and started wearing them. They were long and heavy and the way I walk changed a lot with them. As time progressed I developed a better way of walking with those shoes on.
In this journey dad, I did miss you, many times I was talking to you by myself, I never got an answer, at times I did not like you, for not giving me a reply, where have you been dad? I needed you...
Whenever I got this thought, I used to rush to mom and she soothed me. I remembered some of the stories you told me dad and that helped me to cheer myself and continue the journey. Over a period of time, I made my walk steady and learned how to walk with them. I realized the biggest thing you wanted me to teach was, learning life by myself.
It took me this time, why you left that message when I was young, why you wanted me "to step into your shoes". you built my life dad.. but always your presence is very much wanted...
I made my life the way it has to be dad and I am living up to my values and your thoughts. All said, still I miss you, dad, I Love You.

Nails on I

I have a big mirror in my thoughts. When I look at it.. I see 3 lines… couple of them are parallel to each other and the other is perpendicular to the rest two. Well to Keep it simple it is the letter “I”. This letter I reflects everything that is happening in my life and do makes me heed to it.

During the course of living so far, I managed to understand what is failure and what is success. Well the message I learnt was there is nothing called failure J.

It is just an event happening in life where you are geared to a calculated modification with respect to your thoughts and senses. Every event of this kind takes the form of a nail being hit on to my “I”

Every nail that goes in has a series of hammer shots.. and every shot has an impact on the ideology… for sure it is painful and every pain you take sketches your character.

I had to take a nail recently in, it was hit so deep with only it’s head out of me. Was thinking why it pierced so deep realized I am in need of such a big change. I had to paint a picture when the nail was being pierced and had to manage it well. This time tears were angry with me and did not come out, yet raised a flame like feeling making me to feel the heat…

I had to be positive about this, rather took the option to be so. Taking the breath with nail right at the heart was not so easy every inhale reminded of pain and every exhale of the next big challenge. After 5-10 series of them, my mind started taking steps to overcome this pain.

The thought to overcome was enough to pour some strength in to me, and with that I have to manage the effect on my “I”. Between, I heard a voice, which was reminding me of my potential, well it was my own voice, reading the possessions I got into my character when nails were hit previously.

Every change was unique and so will be this. I have nothing to say on what this is… just watch out…

Curve of Smile and Drop of Tear

I have been to a movie. There was a laughter situation in it. I noticed everyone was laughing in the theatre.

In the same movie there was an emotional scene. I was in tears and just looked around. there were few in the similar state.

This surprised me, why there is a mixed reaction when it comes to tears, why people find it easy to laugh and difficult to cry ?

Are we selfish in doing this, as laughter makes us happy .. as I read through my life, I remember the situations I cried than the situations I was in huge laughter...

having said this, this would be a situation in most of our lives, where you have tears in your eyes and smile on your lips.

a scene where your one and half year old niece is waiting to see you come back from office.

your 3 year old bro eager to give you a candy that he bought...

yourself eager to tell about your accomplishment to your MOM..

giving a hearty gift to your friend who means a lot to you..

I seriously wonder, I had a smile on my face yet a wetness in my eyes when I was present alive in the above scenes...

how did they intersect. When you feel, someone means you a lot and vice versa, the logic in brain doesn't work. you are in the waves of your heart and which makes your mind feel great.

you relish the concern they have for you, and your heart feels lighter and happier.. this results in the curve of smile on your lips.

you feel lucky for being in that stage and here comes a thought "Lucky me" which breaks the ice and comes out as drops of tears.

this conjunction results a lovable feel in your thoughts and memories.

It is stored permanently in your heart with the tag "Curve of Smile and Drop of Tear"

Shivering thoughts with Feeling Fever

Seconds in life moved, just as the hand moves in a clock. At every tick it touched heart and yes, some ticks were painful. There was numbness along the wind pipe making the heart feel heavier. A deep breath was difficult to take, was not giving a chance to think. Raising an upward thrust to brain, cells quick at grabbing past and relating fast. Still, at the same level there was a decision taken and it is a conscious back thought. Both these lightning are fighting and it is still on. There comes some grey part, volunteering to step up and think about the current state. This puts a predefined, goal oriented word collection in to the sound pipe and makes the mouth to talk loud so that the ears can hear. The intent is to pierce these words with a wave of positive hope to stop the fight inside. A mass of a massive cloud carrying this heaviness drops from fore head to eyes, making the lids to droop and feel the weight.

Before you think the time is up, the wave that went inside, gives a hinge to the thinker, executing with a shake in thoughts, the mind itself. The thoughts resemble oscillations, with a disturbed path. They catch the numbness created and start shivering. As continued shivering is dangerous to health, fever like feeling spreads over. This messy when the heart is, the sync between heart and mind goes for a toss, resulting the Feeling Fever.

"The Breathe"

It would be a strange ask by anyone, if it is something like this, “What do you want to be, if given a chance”. No one has been that patient enough to ask me this question. To soothe my thinking heart, I answer this self posed question, which goes as echo in the ridges of my mind.


A feet away from the end line

A Foot away from the Flag hole

A move away from check mate

A step away from home run.


The four lines above, are at the edge of the scene. Athlete takes a deep breathe to put the last step forward to cross the end line.

When a ball is a feet away from the hole moving towards it, golfer fills his heart with the same.

When about to make a final move for the check mate, with a smile in eyes a similar breathe passes through this player’s thoughts.

The same breathe adds a tense to the mood of the base ball player, running with his eyes on the ball, which is a step away from the home run with a man standing for it.


All above 4 men, will feel lucky of taking that breathe and being alive to make to the moment an cherish the success. It is the sense that this breathe is going leave on men, which they happen to recollect later to this.

Every time thought about “The Breathe”, it adds pulse to blood and impulse to thoughts.

I wish to be this breathe at a success. Though I live for a while, I want such a life.

Eyes Shadow on the Smile

When a tiny,black particle resides inside your thoughts, which makes its presence in every way you think, and every other way you act....

That spins and spins the shivering spirals, which miss their orbits quite often, leaving yourself, rather your "self", in a sense created by a scene in which Silence killed itself, and peace made into pieces...

the peace above was in attaining ethical sense to your thoughts, and silence was at their purity...

all this happens in a closed shell, which is not accessible easily, yet throws its results out...

The results above, rather ousted results above, disturbs coherence, the mind has with the thoughts..., leaves a thirsty deep feel awaiting for a soothing moist air to pass through, and finally strikes the eyes and gives a drift in the behaviour...

Silly lips, wants to make a sensible impact in this havoc, but couldn't actually notice, the eyes already had their shadow on them...

How it Feels when you are Breathing Your Last Breath ???

Wonder what... how can i answer this question ? Let me give a try, instead make an attempt to address the one of the things we all will share in common "Death".

When you are folding your fist for the last time, seeing the world, your loved ones, the place you lived, your memories for the last time, how does it feel... this puts a big question to my thoughts, what will i recollect at that time. What would make me really proud at that moment? to fold my fist, in the same way i did many a times, when got a wicket while playing cricket, wrote some fantastic code, materialized a fantastic idea.

How can i hold my smile up and cheerful, yet in the same situation , as i did when i had my first Salary, when my MOM was proud of me....

How can I have the same passion in my eyes, yet again in the same scene, as I made my dreams come true... when I bought my First bike... I got my dream job

The "How" in this context... dug many things in my mind.. I would really want a accomplishment, that makes to do all the above, when I am having my last breath. This added more thinking to my thoughts, more thirst to my wants and more passion to my attitude.

Filled with the showers that take me to the gate of success, wearing a cover on the heart, which hides the whip marks it had, while trying for it!! when i open the door with the same hand whose fist, I want to close when i have my last smile, which resembles the same when I am opening the door. The passion that makes me give a punch in the air, with closed fist on entering the campus crossing the door, I see a personified sense of accomplishment, waiting to greet me for life, and give me a sense of satisfaction.

This sense would really make to close the fist, with passion of feeling the sense, and a smile on my face saying that I have done justice for my existence.

Branding how does that Matter

It so happens at work people try branding others, with their work style, habits and other stuff..

I have seen few people who escape from this. I came across a similar scenario, but I liked the brand that was used for me "Default Exceeded ". this makes me to have a proudish (couldn't get a better/correct word)smile ;-).

Note for me: Get back to work

Shirdi, the place to be

This is the fourth time I have visited this holy place in the last 2 years. I had my mom come with me, this time. It happens to be some people's serious want to come here at least once in lifetime, just the case with my MOM.

This was the best and pleasant of the Darshan I ever had, having said this I was very clear with the list of wants too ;). In fact this is the first time, I asked him for help, not for the reason that I can't do them without asking... but wanted to do them quickly... let me not get into too much detail (I have something else to write all this... ;) )

Shani Singapore is an awesome place... it got its own identity, all the way, and when I visited the place, I had a sense of variation in regards to normal religious places... After being shocked with the charges I had to bear there, I had to sleep for a night before I could get on to the best of the bus journeys I ever had.

It was a Volvo bus, with few technical problems; the only limitation being it can’t cross 40 Km/hr. It made my 10-11 Hr journey a 22 hour one. Though it was really tiresome, I had two major things to praise for,

1. The Determination of the two bus drivers, who were starting the bus every time it stopped (it stopped for almost 20odd times) and literally burning their hands in making the engine to start. Hats off!!! to their commitment.

2. Everything happens, happens for a reason, and that too for a good reason... (Let me keep this as suspense)

Inherit From Pluto ???

My mom always says, Pluto is the one who is the cotnroller of deaths in the world. Well, though the choosing of inheritance was conincidental, now it makes more relative to me once i had done this...

My Dad is already there long back, might be with his powerful narration influnced Pluto...though it seems/reads different ;)

before thinking all these making a celestial body as a source for grey matter !!!